The Countdown to Imminent Doom
by Inimitable
Summary: Chaos! Destruction! Kitties! Far too many things bogged Ganondorf's unnatural mind during Link's 7 year nap. But before Destruction, a little kitty set off a large chain of events... And Ganondorf had less than 7 years to live before his imminent doom.
1. Chapter One

**Author's Note: First off, keep in mind this chapter starts out before Link goes to sleep. **

**Second, this is what I'm calling a TC - total conversion. Not only was this formerly script format, but it lacked quite a few adjectives that you may notice. Hooray, adjectives! Though this doesn't change the fact that I'm incredibly lazy, so don't expect a written orgasm of detail. And at the risk of sounding egotistical and elitist, I actually have a firm grasp on the English language - you won't have to worry about re-reading something to try and comprehend it (unless I want it that way). And yes, it's perfectly acceptable to start a sentence with "and," despite what your elementary teachers told you. And.**

**In summary, this is my effort to keep a fanfic up on FF.N despite its sudden hatred for script format.  
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**So anyway, that's the deal. CUE INTRODUCTION!  
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_A long time ago, in the distant and nonexistant land of Hyrule, there was a hero. This hero was one bad mofo. He lied, stole, and cheated his way into power- though not necessarily in that order. After obtaining the Triforce of Power, this hero went about his merry way, corrupting the pleasant land of Hyrule, and changing it into a much more suitable wasteland._

_Did we mention the Hero of Time was asleep for 7 years?_

_Despite the fact our hero eventually got bitchslapped straight into the Sacred Realm by Link, the Hero of Time, he had a good 7 years to enjoy his newly created wasteland. And enjoy it he did._

_Ganondorf, the King of Thieves, the bearer of the Triforce of Power, and the King of Evil, took in those long 7 years with open arms, and by no means wasted the short time he had before the legendary Hero of Time woke up to lay the smackdown on him._

_This is his story.  
_

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The Countdown to Imminent Doom:  
Ganondorf's Story  
Chapter One: Prologue

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"Blasphemous! It cannot be found! It has disappeared, gone forever, wiped clear off the face of Hyrule!" Ganondorf paced his quarters. "DAMN! These things don't just get up and walk away! DAMN!"

He dashed to his dresser and began throwing clothes out of the way. "It's got to be in this room somewhere... I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HE COULD HAVE BEEN STOLEN!"

A nameless Random Underling appeared at the door. "Sir Ganondorf, your meal is ready."

"SILENCE, FOOL!" Ganondorf snapped back, "Can't you see I'm busy!"

"Sir, it's Mush Stew."

Ganondorf paused. "I suppose I can always find him later..." He slowly made his way to the door. "You know I love Mush Stew..."

"Yes, Sir."

"Carry me!" Ganondorf squealed, jumping into Random Underling's arms.

Random Underling managed to catch Ganondorf with one arm, and stroked mustache with his hand. "Yes... Yes, everything is going according to plan..."

Ganondorf blinked. "Nerf?"

Random Underling responded quickly, shifting his weight to his other leg. "I said, 'Everything will be covered on your meal plan.'"

"Yes... EXCELLENT!" Ganondorf laughed evilly. "Now, take me to my meal!" He pointed onwards with the thrust of one thousand teenage boys.

"Sir," Random Underling complied, and carried Ganondorf to a giant table in a neighboring room.

The table was stuffed chock-full of giant bowls of Mush Stew: a mushy, stewy substance.

"So," Ganondorf tested, "this is Mush Stew?"

"Yessir."

"Is it POISON Mush Stew?"

"It may very well be, Sir."

"But it's not?"

"Odds are against it, Sir."

Ganondorf took this golden opportunity granted to him by his mushy ancestors, and dipped his spoon into a bowl. He slowly filled his spoon with Mush Stew and dramatically brought it to his mouth - but not before tidily setting a napkin upon his lap!

Unbeknownst to Ganondorf, a nearby door opened, revealing a shape that vaguely represented a minion. Coincidentally, the minion-shape was a minion of Ganondorf's. This very minion, although preoccupied with entering the room, took immediate notice of the dramatic spooning Ganondorf was involved in.

"Noooo!" He leapt across the table (in Matrix time, naturally) and slapped the spoon away, landing face-first on Ganondorf's lap. Despite successfully completing Mission A, PSIP (Prevent Spooning in Premises), he was unsuccessful in navigating his way over the table whilst jumping over it.

Ganondorf sat very still, his hand still in place as if the spoon were still there. He paused to think a moment. "What, dear Inky, have I told you about interrupting me while I'm eating?"

The recently-renamed Random Minion, Inky, took a moment to review his notes before responding: "Er... Don't?"

Ganondorf nodded slowly. "And do we remember what happens when you break a rule like that?"

Inky slowly sat upright on the table. "Um... Nothing?"

"No," Ganondorf leapt to his feet, "you get a SPANKING!"

He then took a hold of Inky's collar and dragged him down to torture chamber, and many sounds were heard. It is rumored among some residents that these sounds were actually the sounds of two wildebeests mating; others labelled it the sound of the Devil bathing in manblood. The majority, however, knew the sounds as the cries of 11,000 suffering gophers (the truly well-versed among those in Hyrule knew of animals that didn't exist in their land).

The author would also like to recognize that NC-17 material was banned along with script format and MSTs, so the ever-popular Ganondorf Spanking Scene will have to be removed. Sorry kids. No matter the number of complaints I get from the many fans that surely awaited this segment, it shall forever remain lost in the back of my mind. With any luck, it will suppress itself.

Inky came out of torture chamber shortly after the antelopes stopped crying. "Whew. That was a good spanking."

Noticing the strange looks he got from surrounding Minions, he corrected: "...Good, as in... Er... Painful and unwelcome."

The others were not easily convinced, and instead concentrated their energy on thinking about other things.

"I need a drink," Inky wandered off.

Ganondorf emerged from the chamber a small number of minutes after Inky had made his exit. "I'm in a good mood today. In fact, the only thing that could ruin my fun is..."

Another Random Underling appeared out of nowhere. "Sir, we've been informed Link has acquired the second Spiritual Stone!"

"YOU JUST HAD TO RUIN MY MOMENT, DIDN'T YOU!" Ganondorf roared.

"Yessir."

Ganondorf muttered something incomprehensible, paused a moment, then continued his thoughts. "But that didn't work last time... No, that's too harsh... Well, he may be a young boy, but I'm no priest, so that won't work... Well, Din, Nayru, and Farore! I'm all out of ideas!"

"You could perhaps wait until he enters the Temple of Time with all three Stones, then steal the Triforce while he is blinded by the overly dramatic light," the Random Underling suggested.

"That would be a good opportunity to test out my new Maniacal Laugh, too!" Ganondorf responded eagerly.

The Random Underling blinked slowly, to let the audience know that this is the part where they should laugh.

Ganondorf continued, "The old cliché 'Bwahahahaha!' just isn't cutting it anymore, you know? My new laugh will be off da heezy, yo!"

"Yessir."

"You just wait," Ganondorf played with his cape, "You'll see! You'll **all **see! THE WORLD WILL BE MINE WHEN MY NEW LAUGH RINGS THROUGHOUT THE TEMPLE OF TIME! It shall echo through the corridors, _and stop small children in their tracks_! The pimply teenagers will put down their trading cards, AND THE RODENTS WILL QUIVER! Birds will plummet to the ground like _BISCUITS_ on a Sunday evening, WHILE ADULTS GATHER IN GROUPS AND DISCUSS THE EVILNESS OF THE LAUGH!"

He threw his cape behind him, "And I, at the epitome of life, will be seen rising above all with my newfound powers, B and all shall fear my wrath/b "

Random Underling quipped, "What about house pets?"

"Oh, right, right. BIRDS WILL BE SEEN PLUMMETING TO THE GROUND LIKE BISCUITS ON A SUNDAY EVENING, HOUSE PETS WILL CLING TO THE CEILINGS, AND ADULTS WILL GATHER IN GROUPS AND DISCUSS THE EVIL EVILNESS OF THE LAUGH! And so on, and so forth."

"Yes," Random Underling commented, "yes, the extra line gives it a sense of... Of..."

"Yes? Yes, of what?" Ganondorf asked excitedly.

"Of... Sensibility."

"YES!" Ganondorf cheered, "MY PERFECTION SHALL NOT GO UNNOTICED!"

A second Random Underling appeared out of nowhere, "Sir, we've been informed Link has collected the third Spiritual Stone."

"What!" Ganondorf raged, "It hasn't even been 2 minutes!

"Maybe he works fast," the new Underling suggested. Upon seeing Inky walk by in an adjoining corridor, he added quietly, "Maybe he works very fast."

"Well, that whomps," cursed Ganondorf. "That means I'm behind schedule."

"Yes sir. Yes it does," the second Underling then disappeared as quickly as he had appeared.

"HOW DARE YOU DISAPPEAR IN MY PRESENCE?" Ganondorf yelled at no one, "Damn it! If these Dinforsaken underlings weren't so random, I could find that very one and FIRE HIS ASS! ...After I played with it a bit, of course."

The first Random Underling began feeling just a bit uncomfortable, and inched away slowly.

"Ooh, yeah," Ganondorf fantasized, "it would be so firm and plump!"

The Underling slid away along the wall, trying his best to avoid detection.

"And some ketchup smeared all over, oh yeeeaaah... Oh-oh-oh, yeah!"

Random Underling wets himself. "Almost free... Almost safe..." he thought, nearly to the door.

"Yeah," said Ganondorf, "I would suck on that for a while. I love the tasty juices, especially when it's warm!"

Random Underling took a dive out of the room, locking the door behind him.

Ganondorf continued, "Oh, yeah... I love hot dogs... Well, anyway, I should be going so I can cheat Link out of ultimate power. Would you like to accompany me and witness the moment I become supreme ruler of Hyrule?"

He turned to where Random Underling had been only to see he is not there. "Hm... I guess he got too exited and couldn't sit still. I can't blame him, I suppose."

Suddenly, a piercing alarm went off, and "Link has arrived at the Temple!" blared over the loudspeakers.

"I must hurry!" Ganondorf shrieked, and dashed off to intercept Link.

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Chapter One: End

**Author's Note: (edit: nevermind. Fixed the formatting issues. Sort of.)**

**I notice my old humor simply doesn't translate to paragraph format well. It's rather annoying, knowing most readers will become bored partway through. Oh, and I'm sure I don't need to remind you of that review button.**

**...That would be silly...**


	2. Chapter Two

**Author's Note: You and me, bub. Let's take this outside.**

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**The Countdown to Imminent Doom:  
Ganondorf's Story  
Chapter Two: The Second Prologue  
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Ganondorf made his way onto his favorite horse, a particularly evil-looking black stallion.

"AWAAAAA-"

Unluckily, the horse spazzed out in full effect, throwing Ganondorf off, and fled in the other direction.

"-aaaay... You know, I never like that horse," Ganondorf clenched his fist and stood, "Mental note! Get a new horse. As soon as that one comes back, he's going STRAIGHT into the next batch of stew."

The sirens blared: "YEAH, LINK IS GETTING REALLY, REALLY CLOSE TO THE CASTLE ENTRANCE NOW! I MEAN, REALLY CLOSE! SO CLOSE IT MAKES YOU WANT TO CHASE A PRINCESS, OR SOMETHING!"

Ganondorf giggled, "Ha, ha, those silly sirens. They underestimate the power of The Harley." He pressed a button on the nearby wall, opening a conveniently located garage door across the room.

The door opened to reveal a particularly shiny Harley, equipped with particularly fancy mirrors and a particularly expensive paint job. Its particularly stylish exhaust pipe complimented its particularly tasteful leather seat.

Ganondorf mounted the Harley, donning huge dark shades and an equally huge helmet (with racing stripes).

"Oh, yeah!"

And so, Ganondorf rode off into the sunset!

Then he turned around and headed towards Hyrule Castle, where he hoped to get some boob grabbage from the princess...

"The TRIFORCE!" Ganondorf shrieked, "I'M AFTER THE TRIFORCE!"

Right. He headed towards the castle, where he hoped to get some Triforce from the princess...

Ganondorf let out a small cry of pleasure as he crashed the Harley into a tree and left it in a smoldering wreck of... Wreckage.

"Perfectly executed! Let's see them tow it HERE! None of those blasted red curbs around!"

**...Elsewhere...**

Princess Zelda: so I wuz liek, omg!1!11! he iz teh h0ttz0rz! An she wuz like, omg I no1!1!one!1! an I waz like, OMG BRAIN IS SO00OOOOO H0TT!1!11!(1)! an she wuz leik, ya!

"I understand, Zelda," Impa sighed as she undressed Zelda for bed, "you've told me twenty times tonight."

Zelda: BUT OMG U DUN NDRESTND!1! HE IZ HOTT! LOL 143!1!11!

Impa: OMG, IZ HE RLY THT H0TT!1?

Zelda: YA!

Suddenly, the castle shook violently. After a moment's pause, a short, plump servant popped into the room.

"Princess, Miss Impa. The castle is being groped by a green man."

Impa gasped, "A green groping man?"

"Yes ma'am," the servant gasped, out of breath, "The green man is groping the outer walls. We don't know how he got past the guards or the moat."

Impa made a fist, "Damn it! I KNEW we should have built a bigger moat! I told them, I TOLD THEM! A three-foot maot just ISN'T ENOUGH! But NOO-OOO!"

Zelda: OMG WUT IS GROPPING!1? runs out the door to go and see

The lone servant took mental snapshots of the nude Zelda for later use, then disappeared.

"NO!" Impa cried, and chased after Zelda.

"This can't be," she thought,"The ancient Shiekah prophecy is finally coming to pass… The Green Groping Man has finally come to overthrow the kingdom and destroy Hyrule! For many years I have been weary of the Green Groping Man, but I had recently dismissed it as a myth after Zelda's 12th birthday, when the Streaking Princess was supposed to have appeared! But now"

Fortunately, Impa's inner peril was interrupted by her sudden leap for Zelda, covering her in a nightgown.

Zelda: Eeeeeeeeee!

Zelda's body made a satisfying THUMP as she hit the floor.

Impa noticed nobody else was around to see this, "YOU LOVE ME! GODDESSES, YOU REALLY LOVE ME!"

The clouds that may or may not represent the Goddesses rumbled in a response of sorts.

"Now come on, Zelda," Impa heaved Zelda up on her shoulders, "we must leave at once!"

Zelda: But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeee?

Impa threw Zelda on a horse, then got on herself, "No time! Here, hold this blue thingy while I make sure the horse knows where we're going." She handed Zelda a blue thing.

Zelda: OMG ITZ BROKEN

"Shut up! No it's not!"

Zelda: it has holez in it

Impa was otherwise occupied, leaning over to the horse's ear. "Yeah, yeah, it's over there... No, not quite... Well, a little past there, to the left... Oh, I see. No, it's on the other side. Yeah..."

**...Elsewhere...**

Ganondorf made his way into the castle's stable, "Yes... Which one to choose?" He paced back and forth. "Perhaps this... Black one," he stopped in front of a brown horse and took out a black spray can, "Yes, this black one will do."

**...Later...**

A beat-up Ganondorf stands next to a half-black horse.

"BLASPHEMOUS!" Ganondorf yelled, "HORSES ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS! But it's mine now..." He unlocked the stable door.

The horse growled.

"Shut up, horse. Wait. Horses don't growl!" Ganondorf gasped and turned to the horse, which had transformed into a familiar moblin in a puff of smoke.

"INKY! What are you doing here? Why were you a HORSE? Why did you growl at me? AND WHAT'S THAT?" Ganondorf pointed at Inky's neck.

Inky hastily covered his neck, "Nothing! It's nothing!"

Ganondorf pondered. "I think it's much more than nothing... Unless it isn't something, in which case it would be nothing. But if that were true, it wouldn't be there,so it must not be nothing, therefore something must mean being nothing means..." He gasped. "I REMEMBER NOW!"

Inky took the bait, "Remember what?"

"WHERE I LEFT MY McCHICKEN SANDWICH!"

Inky nodded and walked to the door.

"NO!" Ganondorf grabbed his arm and held him against the wall, "NOT SO FAST! I can now clearly see the mark that wasn't there. I knew it! But who...?"

"It's just a bruise!" Inky protested.

Ganondorf took a lick, "Tastes like... Fish..."

"I had tuna for breakfast!" Inky became hysterical, "FOR BREAKFAST!"

"There's only one thing FISH BREATH could come from..." Ganondorf mused, kicking open the stall Inky had previously been in, "YOU'VE BEEN SEEING THE KITTY AGAIN!"

"IT MEANT NOTHING TO ME!" Inky sobbed, "She means nothing to me!"

"After all we've BEEN through, Inky!"

The cat in the corner of the stall mewed questioningly.

"I'm sorry!" Inky groveled at Ganondorf's feet, "PLEASE FORGIVE ME! How can I make it up to you?"

Ganondorf thought this over. "Well, you see... I do have a princess to catch..."

**...Later...**

Ganondorf and Inky came out of the stable together. "THERE!" Ganondorf pointed, "Ahead of us! On the white horse! COME ON!"

The two ran towards where Ganondorf had pointed.

"STOP!" Ganondorf cried suddenly, and the two dug their heels into the ground. "It's that KID! Link! I can't let him see me like this! Quick! Change into an evil-looking horse while he's distracted by the hot princess! I mean... Princess!"

Inky hesitated, then morphed into a black, armored horse.

"OK!" Ganondorf said, "Now go, GO! And make it dramatic!"

Inky-horse ran after Zelda and Impa's horse, "Dun dun dun, dun dun-dun dun dundundun, dun-DUUUUN..."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Ganondorf flailed, "Horses don't HUM!"

The humming stopped.

"Good! Now, stop in front of Link so I can taunt him and make fun of his pansy skirt!"

Inky-horse stopped in front of Link, doing his very best to look really evil.

Link gasped and took a step back.

"Yes," Ganondorf laughed, "You cower before me! You fear me! YOU CAN SENSE THE WELL OF DARKNESS INSIDE ME! THE BLACKNESS THAT IS MY SOUL IS TANGIBLE TO YOU! You can see my heart is corrupted, and it frightens you! YOU HAVE FORSEEN THE FUTURE, AND HAVE SEEN THAT IT HOLDS ONLY YOUR SLOW AND PAINFUL DEMISE! _AND WHEN YOU TRY TO GRASP THAT FACT_... It slips through your cute little fingers like sand..."

Link scratched the back of his head, "... ..."

Ganondorf responded, irritated, "You don't fool me with those courageous words! I CAN SENSE IT DEEP WITHIN YOU! You want to die!"

"... ... .."

"Oh, well," Ganondorf wondered, "I guess I never saw it that way... NO! NO! I REFUSE TO PLAY YOU GOOD GUY MIND GAMES! I'm evil, so DEAL WITH IT!"

"... ... .. .. .. ... ... .. ... .. .. ... .. ... ... .. . ... ... ... .. . .. .. .. ..."

Ganondorf covered his ears, "I'm not listening! LA, LALAAAA!"

Link pointed at him, "... .. . .. . . ... .. ...!"

"Ha!" Ganondorf sneered, "Yeah, right! Sequels ALWAYS suck, don't you stupid pure-hearted guys get that? AHAHAAAHAAA! Mission Impossible 2 was better than Mission Impossible... HA! That's a good one!"

"... ..."

"Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Now run along, kid. I have a princess to grope and a country to destroy."

Inky-horse and Ganondorf galloped after Zelda, Ganondorf laughing as he disappeared into the distance.

Link, like any psychic protagonist, located the Ocarina Zelda didn't throw and headed off to the Temple of Time.

"Did I say grope?" Ganondorf muttered, "I meant capture..."

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**Chapter Two: End 

**Author's Note: Think of me as a starving artist... A starving artist that eats reviews.**


	3. Chapter Three

**Author's Note: I have so much work to do... And no merciful teacher upon which to rely. I'm not supposed to have to work in my senior year. Now that my calculus is done, let me help you find the volume of that space enclosed by Y1, Y2, and Y3 rotating around Y4 for you...**

**And to the one they call Tweedle Dumbass: your review is an invaluable asset. But honestly, aren't you trying a bit too hard? You don't earn respect from a reader by spouting random nonsense, contrary to what many would have you believe. Everyone, you should leave your reviews in the form of feedback, not feedback enclosed in "hey, pay attention to me!" It makes the world a better place.**

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**The Countdown to Imminent Doom:  
Ganondorf's Story  
Chapter 3: The Last Prologue  
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"DAMN IT!" cursed Ganondorf, still riding on a transformed Inky, "I was supposed to remember something about that kid!" He waved his fist in the air, "But WHAT? Tell me, Inky... Tell me..."

"I've decided something," Inky told him.

"What's that?"

"I hate you!"

Ganondorf sobbed, "You can't leave me! What will I do? Who will I turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on? WHO WILL DO MY LAUNDRY!"

"You're just going to have to find someone else," Inky told him, unswayed.

"There is no one else in my life, Inky. Only you!"

"I SMELL A LIE!" Inky accused.

Ganondorf immediately stopped crying. "Yeah... I know... But you're still ONE of the people in my life!" he assured him.

"I think it's best if we're just friends."

"You mean... I can't ride you anymore?" Ganondorf ventured, afraid.

"In both senses, yes."

"But who will I molest?" pressed the desperate Gerudo, "Now that the princess is gone, all my chances of daily molestation are NIL!"

"What about that kid?"

"I REFUSE TO HIT ON A KID!" exclaimed Ganondorf.

"I thought you said he was cute?"

"I SAID NO SUCH THING!" Ganondorf sobbed.

"You should go and talk to him. Y'know, explain your feelings," Inky offered, "I'm sorry, but I can't hang around you anymore. All the other moblins make fun of me." He turned and slowly walked away.

Ganondorf wiped away a tear and turned back to the castle, "Fine. I guess I'll go see if Link can forgive me..."

At this point, a violinist took pity on Ganondorf and began playing a very sad song.

"Now that I have no one left," Ganondorf mourned, "I can only hope I can set things straight in the world... All my hopes and ambitions have been shattered. My dreams are gone, my friends have left me to be minions for other villains, and now my lover has decided I'm not cool. WOE IS ME!"

The music stopped.

"HEY!" Ganondorf barked.

The music started up again.

Ganondorf continued. "When I was a young green thing, I didn't know if I'd ever make it. I didn't think I was good enough to be a bad guy. All the other villains at the Evil Academy made fun of me because of my greenish qualities... Even young Sephiroth, who had that giant pimple on his eyeball, was considered cooler and more evil than I. HE VISITED HIS MOTHER EVERYDAY, FOR DIN'S SAKE! THAT'S NOT VERY EVIL!"

The music began to slowly fade out.

"I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'M DONE, DAMN IT!"

The music played once more.

"Even at the bottom of my class, though, I still kept at it. I knew if I worked hard enough, and destroyed enough peoples' lives, I could one day be as evil... As evil as Master Carrot Top himself! I always wished he would think I was special and take me aside for secret Evil Lessons, like it always happens in the movies, but I was too GOOD for him!"

The violinist began to tire, and the notes wavered.

"DON'T MAKE ME COME UP THERE!" Ganondorf shook his fist,"Now… Oh, yes... But I MADE IT! I worked myself to the very core, and became evil and whatnot! I achieved my goal! Then, by chance, I got stuck in Hyrule when I drew the short straw. That Moony bastard and his lovechild, Skull Kid, got Termina, which I _specifically_ asked for! IT WAS SO UNFAIR!"

At this point, Ganondorf realized he had arrived at the Temple of Time. "HOW CONVENIENT! I do hope Link will forgive me for my horrible ways!"

Link, a few yards ahead of Ganondorf, opened the Door of Time and stepped inside.

"Wait, Link!" Ganondorf trotted to catch up with him, and stopped at the Door of Time, "Oh..."

**CUE FLASHBACK!**

We see a young Ganondorf in a classroom, apparently after school. He has been cornered by a group of 3 kids his age, who are taunting him. A young Ganondorf whimpers.

Magus scoffs and poses, "You are SO not evil! Ha, ha!"

Sephiroth joined in, "Totally not evil, yo."

Knives stepped forward, "Humans are so pathetic."

Magus and Sephiroth look to Knives, annoyed.

Knives backtracks, "I mean... You'll never be evil enough to transform into a giant demon-pig, or anything. You're too damn pathetic. I mean, the ONLY way you'd ever be evil enough to do that is if you were to somehow claim possession of some embodiment of power in the shape of a triangle left behind by ancient Goddesses! AND THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN! PATHETIC HUMAN! HA HA, HAAA!"

Magus throws Knives out of the circle of kids chiding Young Ganondorf.

Knives sulks away, muttering something about lives being insignificant.

The young Ganondorf puffed out his chest, "Oh, yeah? You'll see! YOU'LL ALL SEE! Some day, I'll be more evil than ALL OF YOU! And I'm gonna find that physical embodiment of power left behind my ancient goddesses! AND THEN I'M GONNA HUNT YOU DOWN AND MAKE YOU PAY! Oh, you'll pay... DEARLY! JUST YOU WAIT!"

**END FLASHBACK! **

Ganondorf steadied himself, "I see now... It all makes sense. This was destiny! It's my chance to shine! YES! YES, I WANT TO BE EVIL! YES! IT IS MY... DESTINY!" He took a step forward.

Link turned and gasped, because he had been much to distracted by walking through the doorway to hear Ganondorf chase after him and talk to himself.

Ganondorf seized the opportunity, "YES! FINALLY! ULTIMATE POWER IS MINE!" He grabbed the Triforce, which split in three, "Eek! I think I broke it!"

The Triforce of Power pierced Ganondorf's chest; the other two pieces fly off out of sight.

"Oh yeah! THAT FEELS GOOD!" Ganondorf laughed, "YES! This power feels so good! SO GOOD! YES! THIS IS BETTER THAN SEX! Well, no... Maybe not_that_ good... But it is good... But now I must test out my powers!"

Link let out a snore.

"Let's see," pondered Ganondorf, "Where to start..."

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**Chapter Three: End 


	4. Chapter Four

**Author's Note: You know, I thought you may or may not want to know I've already got the last chapter written. Har, har. Yeah, I'm one of _those_ authors.**

**Kichi-Kaze, thanks for the feedback. You'll be happy to know that chapter 3 is probably the most sex-driven chapter of 'em all (and who said Ganondorf was gay?;) ). It was one of the chapters I had to include (you'll see why later), and it fell short – in word count, that is. I suppose "quality over quantity" is the golden rule of writing, but I felt I had to add some filler just to at least make the chapter _seem_ a little lengthier. That filler, of course, was the lack of substance that you complained about. Future endeavors proved more successful.**

**And yes, I admit that the lack of description was just my laziness. But like I said, chapter 3's one of the "get it out and over with" chapters, and I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story more (and I hope you were complaining about the lack of description, not the abundance of dialogue, because Ganondorf's a rather talkative guy – especially when talking to himself). **

And, in all honesty, the caps lock isn't going anywhere. Sorry. I suppose I keep it in there because it allows me to recreate the dialogue in my head more accurately (stress on words, sentences, questions), though I see why it would rub some people the wrong way. I'll see if I can't tone it down a bit without losing my (don't mind me) "artistic vision."

**And Tweedle, thanks for a more... (what's the word I'm looking for?) composed review.**

**So, on with chapter 4, eh? AND IT'S NOT A PROLOGUE!**

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**The Countdown to Imminent Doom: Ganondorf's Story  
Chapter 4: Not a Prologue  
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Ganondorf jigged a little jig. "Now, who shall I test out my newfound powers on? OH, YES! HOW ABOUT... No, I promised not to... Oh well, to hell with it," he turned around, prepared to stab Link with many pointy things, "Hey... Where'd he go?"

Link snored elsewhere.

Ganondorf took a look around, and saw he was back in the Temple of Time. "WHERE'D THE SACRED REALM GO?"

He sat down and clasped his hands. "I will miss the sacred-ness of it... It's sacred-y things shall forever have a sacred place in my heart. Sacredly."

Ganondorf was then brutally assaulted with a giant red question mark, which took great pleasure in landing on top of him then promptly disappearing.

"Alright, alright!" Ganondorf flailed his arms, "So I don't have a heart! IS THAT YOUR BLOODY POINT!"

Ganondorf was then sidelined by an large envelope with a return address of "The Bloody Englishman."

"I HATE inanimate objects! The bastards!" Ganondorf noticed what hit him and opened it.

Letter: "Ye shall notsies utter the wordsies 'bloody,' unlesses ye bes an Englishman, unders penalties of DEATH!"

"I didn't know English people spoke like that..." he turned the letter over.

Letter: "We dount."

"That is unnecessarily confusing!" Ganondorf crushed the letter in his hand and snarled a vicious snarl, "WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE, THOSE BLOODY ENGLISHMEN?"

He looked around nervously before deciding nothing was coming to cause him pain and crooned. "YES! FEAR ME!" He walked out of temple and into town center in long strides.

Random Townslady #1's voice wafted across the market. "So I was counting my cuccos, and he said he wasn't a doctor!"

Random Townslady #2 (who took great delight in the juicy bits) gasped. "No!"

"Yes! And then he had the NERVE to try and grope me!"

Random Townslady #2 gasped again and whispered, "Was he green? I heard rumors..."

"No, it was a normal, fleshy man. Though the hair under his armpits DID have a green tint..."

"Gross!"

"I was grossed out at first," Random Townslady #1 agreed, "but then I just laughed at him!"

(Echo: Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh...)

Ganondorf, who had been eavesdropping, suddenly looked very profound: "Oh..."

**CUE FLASHBACK!**

"You'll see! YOU'LL ALL SEE!"

"...will be mine when my new laugh rings throughout..."

"...the evilness of the laugh!"

"...AND ALL SHALL FEAR MY WRATH!"

**END FLASHBACK (you're safe now)!**

"Oh... Yes... " Ganondorf grinned, "YES! At last, my dream has come to pass! TOMORROW, THE RED SUN WILL RISE, and the rivers will be saturated with blood, tears, and the occasional children's doll, SO AS TO STRIKE PITY INTO THE HEARTS OF ANYONE WHO SEES IT FLOATING BY!"

He continued, "They will never know they were actually on sale last weekend... BUT I SHALL LAUGH AT THEM! And they will babble on about sentimental things! AND THEN... What then... Yes... THEN, I WILL LAUGH AT THEM SOME MORE!"

Random Townslady #2 waved to #1. "Let's talk somewhere else. The drunks around these parts are getting out of hand."

The townsladies strutted away.

Ganondorf shook his fist at them. "YOU'RE MISSING MY SPEECH! Anyway... Er... Uh... DAMN IT! I HATE IT WHEN I'M INTERRUPTED! It would seem I have to rehearse more before I try to give this segment of my Acceptance Speech." He pulled out a script from his pocket and walked off towards Hyrule Castle, studying it, "Yes... And I could move this segment over here, if I put more emphasis on this here..."

For some strange reason, he immediately reached the gate in front of the castle.

"Tsk, tsk. Well, this just won't do. Those flowers over there don't go with... THIS GIANT LAVA PIT!" Ganondorf created a giant energy ball and threw it at the landscape, obliterating it in a nice, explosion-y way.

Ganondorf walked up to castle remnants, "Much better!"

He made random hand gestures, and a dark, ominous, and all-around evil-looking castle appeared out of nowhere, hovering above the lava pit.

"PERFECTION!" Ganondorffloated over to giant double door entrance to castle. The door opened, revealing Knives on the other side.

Ganondorf pointed, "GAH! What the hell are YOU doing in MY castle?"

Knives: 私はよりよい質問が档?とおりであることを考える: "私の城の近くでしている何であるか。?"

"Hey, turn the subtitles on!" Ganondorf demanded.

Knives: ああの権利。.

I think a better question is," Knives spoke clearly, "What are YOU doing near MY castle?"

"BUT YOU DON'T HAVE A CASTLE!"

"Do now. I found it," Knives said.

"But I summoned it using my own powers! It's mine!"

"You don't have any powers, pathetic human."

"I do now!" Ganondorf explained, annoyed, "And I'm not-"

"SILENCE! YOUR LIFE IS INSIGNIFICANT!" Knives pointed a gun at Ganondorf's head.

"That's a nice... Thing you have there. What is it?" Ganondorf asked.

"Well... It's, uh, this thing..." Knives held it up, examining it, "You point it someone, and pull this here trigger, and then... Then they die."

"Interesting," Ganondorf slowly bent over, searching the ground for a weapon, "How does it work?"

"Uh... I think there's this thing inside, where..."

Ganondorf beat Knives to the ground with a nearby rock, knocking him out. "I HATE unwanted guests!"

He kicked the door open, and dragged Knives' body downstairs into the dungeon. Knives' tongue mopped the floor along the way.

Ganondorf locked Knives up in the first cell, "YOU are going to get the spanking OF YOUR LIFE when you wake up!" Ganondorf shook his finger at him and stalked back upstairs, "Now I can enjoy my castle!"

**3 days later...**

"DAMN IT!" Ganondorf bellowed, "I HATE THIS PLACE! There's only so many times I can play tic-tac-toe against myself, and that blonde bastard is STILL sleeping! I MUST TAX THE PEOPLE TO GET FUNDING FOR HIS EXPENSIVE NEEDS! Such as a water hose attached to his mouth for routine watering! And... And... Water! It's hard to get water when you live above a giant pool of lava, after all.

"But," he pondered,"How to inform them without having to go tell them all individually... I need henchmen! BUT HOW?"

A lovely red plane flew by outside, toting a banner that read: "1-800-HENCHMEN-IS-USZ0RZ! CALL TODAY FOR YOUR FREE TRIAL HENCHMAN!"

Ganondorf rubbed his hands together. "Yes... Eeeeexcellent..."

**

* * *

**Chapter Four: End 


	5. Chapter Five

**Author's Note: Don't doubt me! I told you there would be a plot coming in soon enough, and here it is. Don't doubt me! Simply because it's a weak introduction to the story doesn't mean it's a weak story! Don't doubt me! Don't judge me! You don't know me! You're not even my real dad!**

**And unfortunately, there won't be an update every 3 days, as it's been for the first 5 chapters. You'll have to be a bit more patient, though it doesn't seem there's many of you demanding more anyhow.**

**

* * *

**The Countdown to Imminent Doom: Ganondorf's Story  
Chapter 5  
**

* * *

**

Ganondorf picked up phone (which CERTAINLY existed in Hyrule at the time) and dialed the number that had been so successfully flaunted. "Yes? Hello? Yeah, I'd like to purchase a few henchmen."

His response came from an extremely bored operator, who answered in an extremely bored voice. "Name?"

Ganondorf seized the opportunity as Micheal Jackson seizes others' genitals. "Ganondorf Dragmire, Wielder of the Triforce of Power, King of Hyrule, Sweet Sexay Thang... Lord of Darkness."

The operator was not amused. "Name?"

"Ganondorf Dragmire."

The operator seized the opportunity as a fiddler crab seizes a baby's toe. "Address?"

"Hyrule Castle, atop the giant inferno pit!"

"Please hold."

Ganondorf screamed into the receiver. "YOU CAN'T PUT ME ON HOLD! I'M THE-"

A click sounded from the other end.

THAT WHORE!" Ganondorf raged, "I am SO raping and pillaging her town tomorrow!"

Vikings everywhere murmured agreement.

"On Hold" music started playing on the phone. Ganondorf bobbed his head. "Catchy!"

A low creak was emitted behind Ganondorfas the unnecessarily large double doors on opposite end of room slowly opened.

Ganondorf spun around, dropping the phone. "Who's there? I SHALL SMITE THEE!"

A small, pink kitten poked its head through the crack. "Mew."

"A KITTY!" Ganondorf hopped up and down, clapping his hands. "I looove kitties..." He pranced over and picked it up. "I'll call him Snargles! And he'll be the bestest Snargles..." he looked around suspiciously, "...IN ALL THE LANDS!"

Snargles' tongue hung out. "Maaaw..."

Ganondorf blinked, paused, then held the cat out in front of him. "That's not a kitty noise..."

Snargles looked around nervously. "Mew?"

"YOU WERE TRYING TO SAY 'DADA,' WEREN'T YOU?" Ganondorf snuggled with the kitty, "Wut a pwetty widdle kiddy! Yes!"

Snargles scrambled free of Ganondorf's clutches, perched on his shoulder, and looked around evilly.

"Already taking after his old man! What a smart little kitty!" Ganondorf praised.

"Meh," was Snargles' reply.

"EXACTLY! Now... COME, SNARGLES! We must complete the phone call!"

Snargles put his ears back and leaned forward.

"AWAAAAAY!" Ganondorf pointed in the general direction of the phone and walked a few feet back to it.

Snargles perched normally again.

"We wouldn't want to miss out on free henchmen, now would we?" Ganondorf asked rhetorically.

Snargles looked around the room aimlessly.

"Your lack of an attention span is inspiring!" Ganondorf picked the phone back up.

The operator had apparently been waiting a long time, and was very irritated by this point. "Miiiiiiiiiiiiiisteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer Gaaaaaaaaaaanoooooooooooooondoooooo-"

"I HAVE RETURNED!" Ganondorf thought a moment, "And with a new accomplice, WHO WILL ENSURE THAT YOU AND YOUR MOTHER DIE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY!"

"Maaaaw..." Snargles commented.

Ganondorf's eyes shifted to Snargles nervously, then back ahead. "I need at least 8 dozen henchmen! And when I say dozen, I mean million."

"I see," came the response, "So that's 8 million dozen henchmen delivered to a Mister Gandalf Drameyre at Guyrool Castle?"

"Ganondorf Dragmire. Hyrule Castle. And I only need 8 million... Ish. Maybe 9 million."

"Right, right..."

"So how much are we talking about here?" Ganondorf asked.

"Probably arooouuund..." the sound of calculator being used in the background rang through the receiver, "500 bagazillion rupees."

Ganondorf counted on his fingers. "How many zeroes is that?"

"Somewhere around 60 million."

Snargles hissed.

"EXACTLY! I demand... I demand..." Ganondorf demanded.

"Meh," came from Snargles.

"YES! I DEMAND A DISCOUNT! At least 20 percent!" said Ganondorf, proudly.

"Sorry, no can do."

"_I'm the singlemost powerful man in Hyrule_! YOU DARE DEFY ME, WHORE LADY?"

"We'll be expecting cash or check when the deliveries arrive."

Ganondorf feigned victory. "Yes! OK! But-"

Another click on the phone.

"SHE HUNG UP ON ME!" Ganondorf gasped in amazement.

"...Maaaw..."

"STOP THAT!" Ganondorf cried, "It's creepy!"

Snargles stared straight ahead. "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwww..."

"AUGH!" Ganondorf convulsed.

Snargles grinned a small kitty grin.

Ganondorf pat Snargles' head, "You're such a creepy little kitty! How cute! Now, we... Well, actually, I suppose I should head to the library and find out how this 'Ruling of the World' stuff works..."

"Meh."

"YOU'RE RIGHT! Libraries are for pansies! So, let's go sit outside and wait for my henchmen!"

Snargles sneezed.

Ganondorf jerked, "YOU'RE NOT SICK, ARE YOU? We can't have that! We should get you some medicine!"

Snargles sneezed with the passion of one thousand balloons.

"NOOOOOO! DON'T DIE, KITTY!"

Snargles paused.

Then sneezed.

"We definitely have to get you some immediate medical attention!" Ganondorf ran outside, "Quick! Where does one find medicine for kitties?"

"...Maaaw..."

"The Maw? That's not even in Hyrule... We'll try the Potion Shop!"

Ganondorf ran extremely quickly all the way to the Potions Shop (time or distanceare of no meaning to Evil Dictators), and ran straight in. "MY KITTY IS DYING!"

Snargles sneezed for emphasis.

The Potion ShopPerson looked up from her PSP. "...Right. And?"

"I need some medicine! I WILL ACCEPT ONLY THE BEST FOR MY LITTLE SNARGLES!"

"Medicine?" the Potion ShopPerson asked, "For your cat? Well... There is one potion that'd fix her up, but-"

"Him," Ganondorf commanded.

"But look, she doesn't have-"

"IT'S A HIM! DO YOU DARE TO INVOKE MY WRATH!" Ganondorf shook a fist threateningly.

"OK. Well, uh... Like I said, there is one potion. However, it requires quite a few ingredients that I don't have right now. If you want me to whip this up for you, you'll need to go find 'em for me."

"YOU'RE ASKING ME, THE GREAT GANONDORF... TO GO ON A FETCH QUEST?" he pointed a questioning finger.

"Do you dare invoke my wrath?" the Questioning Finger asked.

"I couldn't have said it better!" Ganondorf agreed, "DO YOU DARE INVOKE MY WRATH!"

"It's just 3 items..." the Potion ShopPerson told him.

Ganondorf leaned on the counter. "Which three, now?"

"The first is something called Eau de Dead Fish, which I'm sure you can find over in Zora's Domain somewhere. The second is Left Foot de Goron! And the third..."

"...Yes?" Ganondorf pressed.

"Well, it's not really needed for the potion, but I do need one more thing."

"Which is?"

"Well, I hear the Green Groping Man arrived in Hyrule recently, and some say he's quite the sexay thang. I need a picture of him!"

"The who?"

"The Green Groping Man. Ask around, I'm sure someone can tell you where to find him."

"Why do you want this picture so much?" Ganondorf inquired, dusting some lint off a very still Snargles.

"Alas!" the Potion ShopPerson sighed, "The Fortune Teller has given me my fortune..."

"...And?"

Snargles began to snore quietly.

The Potion ShopPerson got teary-eyed. "She said... That I would fall in love with The One..."

"...What?"

"I mean... The Green Groping Man!"

"I see," Ganondorf wrote a note on his hand, "find Green Groping Man; kill him; sweep hot Potion ShopPerson-Lady off her feet and woo her."

Snargles sneezed again, likely for attention.

Ganondorf jumped. "IEEEEE!"

"Eau de Dead Fish and Left Foot de Goron! Quickly!" the Potion ShopPerson pointed to the door, "DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!"

"OF COURSE!" Ganondorf leapt out the door.

"Meeee-oooow!" Snargles screamed.

"Feeling better?" Ganondorf asked him.

Snargles thought about this for a moment, sneezed, and started oozing from the nose.

"IT'S GETTING WORSE!" Ganondorf ran off to the Death Mountain path, "SNARGLES MUST NOT BE TAKEN!"

**

* * *

**Chapter 5: End 


	6. Chapter Six

**Author's Note: So there was an abnormally long pause between chapters. Think of it as a suspense mechanism, build right in to your fanfiction! You don't even need to create it yourself - it's right there waiting for you!**

**And besides, school takes priority over you review-stingy stingers.**

**Answer: two seconds, give or take.  
Question: How much longer is this note going to take?**

* * *

The Countdown to Imminent Doom: Ganondorf's Story  
Chapter Six

* * *

_ When we last departed, our hero was making his way up the base of Death Mountain in hopes of finding a foot lying around that he might use to help cure his beloved Snargles of his LIFE-THREATENING, SPLEEN-DAMAGING, MIGRANE-AND-SNEEZE-INDUCING ÜBER DISEASE. Naturally, he hasn't gotten very far..._

Ganondorf sat on a rock, deliberating on the situation that had arisen. He knew this was not be an easy circumstance to circumcise, but he tried anyway. The situation, however, was rather fond of its skin and refused. Inevitably, Ganondorf was forced to return to the situation at hand.

Having no means of long-distance communications with Hand, though, Ganondorf settled with the last option. This option involved a mountain, a rock, and an odd, jumping spider creature.

Ganondorf's return to the Creature Option took no more than a few seconds. "So," he annunciated slowly, "you're telling me there's really only one path up this mountain?"

The Hop-Spider responded in what seemed to be an interpretive dance of sorts. Somewhere, in an uncharted country, it began to rain.

"Tektike, hee-ho," Snargles sang.

Ganondorf interrupted. "He doesn't need any singsong distractions, my beauty, he is very busy already. Look, I think when he bares his fangs and leaps at me it means 'yes.'" He turned to the Hop-Spider, "But why is it you hassle anyone who wishes to climb the mountain, hm?"

The Hop-Spider danced something that vaguely resembled a Moonwalk.

"Is it REALLY so much to ask," Ganondorf pressed, "that you simply allow me past? THE MOUNTAIN IS FREE. And I only want the best for MY WIDDLE KITTY!" He clutched Snargles and pressed him to his face, but the Hop-Spider wasn't impressed.

Instead, it took another failed leap towards Ganondorf's lofty rocktop.

"When I come down from this rock, I expect you to be FRIENDLY and WELCOMING. Not annoying and bloodthirsty! Got it?" Ganondorf pointed, "I don't want any more trouble from you, you... You... Thing..."

Snargles sang another verse: "See-wah, Tektike!"

Unbeknownst to either of them, the Hop-Spider took great offense to this comment. In the days of Hop-Spider lore, there was once a great king named See-Wah. Not only did he rule the Hop-Spiders with grace and command, he also held great status in neighboring populations, including the Tektikes.

It is said that See-Wah made a grave mistake on the 1000th day of his rule, however. After he lost a limb in the Great Battle of Dodongo Cavern, See-Wah became embittered and seemingly lost his sanity. He declared war on the Tektikes and drove the grand nation of Hop-Spider to near extinction. When the great See-Wah was finally murdered in his sleep by his own second cousin, the remaining Hop-Spiders were assimilated into the Tektike's population.

It is indeed a sore subject among the few remaining pure-blooded Hop-Spiders.

This particular Hop-Spider tormenting Ganondorf was actually not a Hop-Spider at all, but a Tektike, and had never heard of any fool named See-Wah. He was rather hungry, though. He took another lunge at the tasty flesh.

"Dammit, you!" Ganondorf shrilled, "I GAVE YOU A FAIR WARNING!" He grabbed Snargles by the stomach, and pulled his tail, causing Snargles' forearms to rotate at speeds faster than the human eye can detect.

The Tektike lasted approximately 0.0042 seconds against the grandiose powers of ChainSaw Snargles.

"Excellent," Ganondorf said, and replaced a now-still Snargles back upon his shoulder. "Now, unless I want to run into more of those, I'll have to take this operation to a whole 'nother level!"

Snargles didn't like the sound of that. "...Maw..."

Ganondorf's reply: "Not quite! But close." He pulled out a few suction cups and waved them around, "We shall SCALE THE MOUNTAIN!"

Dramatic Echo: (Mountain, mountain, mountain...)

"Perfect!" Ganondorf agreed with himself.

Snargles took this opportunity to spring from Ganondorf's shoulder. He clung to the vertical mountainside in what was most assuredly _not_ an escape attempt.

Ganondorf thought a moment. "You may be a versatile kitty, but I am neither versatile, NOR a kitty. So..." He sat down, contemplating. "I'll have to read the instruction manual on these things... AHA! It says here: 'Step 1: Hold suction cup.' OK. 'Step 2: Place suction-y part of suction-cup to desired suction-wall.' ...Er... 'Step 3: Repeat as necessary.'"

"...Pfkkkkkkt..." came from Snargles.

Ganondorf looked up from manual. "I thought we had an agreement! You don't make unnatural and unnerving sounds, and I let you perch upon my shoulder! IF YOU DON'T STOP BEING CREEPY, I'M NOT LETTING YOU PERCH, DAMN IT!"

Snargles marched around on the wall, "Pfffffffffffkrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnt... Beeeoooooooooop bzt bzt bzzzzzt rrrrrrrrrrt... Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk... Clik clik clik!"

"STOP IT!" Ganondorf threw a suction cup at Snargles.

The flung suction cup completely covered Snargles and stuck to the wall, just as any good cup would.

Snargles mewed from beneath suction cup questioningly before trying to continue marching along the wall. His efforts ended in his successfully moving the suction cup along with him.

"Brilliant!" Ganondorf leapt upon the vertically-stuck suction cup, "CLIMB, SNARGLES! UPWARD!"

"Quooooooooop..."

"No, I _can't_ poke an air hole in it! That would release the suction! Just hurry and you'll make it to the top in no time!"

The suction cup (now supporting an anxious-looking Ganondorf) slowly made its way up the side of the mountain. A few Hop-Spiders watched and clicked at each other before deciding it wasn't their job to foil his plans.

"Finally," Ganondorf stepped onto the top of the mountain path, "We've made it to the top!" He released Snargles from his suctioned imprisonment and gasped. "OMIGOD! MY BEAUTIFUL PINK KITTY IS NOW... BLUE!"

Snargles sucked in oxygen as quickly as possible while Ganondorf continued. "Oh... No... Just in the face. BUT I CAN'T HAVE A DISCOLORED KITTY WITH ME IN PUBLIC! It would be a sign of _weakness_." He glanced around suspiciously.

Snargles sneezed in between wheezes and coughing fits.

"Noooo! That's what it is!" Ganondorf panicked, "It's that horrible disease finally catching up with you! SNARGLES, I WON'T LET YOU DOWN!" He picked Snargles up. "I won't let it claim you!"

Snargles became slightly motion sick as Ganondorf bounded off towards Goron Village, and slowly climbed upon his shoulder to regain balance. Unfortunately, Ganondorf's balance was thrown off when he bumped into a large Goron in front of the village entrance.

"You DARE defile the King of Evil with your touch?" Ganondorf shook his first threateningly.

The Goron was taken off-guard. "But I was just standing here... Hey, wait. Don't I know you?"

"The King of Evil does not converse with lowly commoners such as yourself."

The Goron continued advancing a step, "aren't you the guy who plugged up the Dodongo's cavern a couple weeks back?"

"Uh... No," Ganondorf answered cautiously. Snargles sank low and made himself as small as possible.

"Oh!" the Goron replied, "Well in that case, please take this item!"

Ganondorf held a watch above his head and a fanfare echoed throughout the mountain. Then a little box popped up:

"You got the Countdown to Imminent Doom Watch! This handy watch tells you exactly how much time remains before Link, the Hero of Time, awakens again!"

Ganondorf leaned over to the Goron. "Uh... How does this thing know who Link is?"

The Goron answered in a mysterious voice that could be heard only by the dead... And Ganondorf. "This is no ORDINARY watch... This watch tells you exactly how long you have until someone lays the SMACKDOWN ON YOU!"

"Exactly?" Ganondorf peeped.

"Well, assuming the person was right in front of you at the time. If you were to, say, build a giant castle and set traps all around it, fill it with an aggravating amount of enemies, and create a magical force field around the central spire, then it might take the person who's gonna lay the SMACKDOWN ON YOU a little bit longer... Or, so I've heard."

Ganondorf was busy taking notes. "Right, right."

"But even if someone were to do such a silly thing, they certainly wouldn't want to put a Fairy Fountain right in the middle of their goddamn castle, 'cuz that wouldn't make any sense..."

Ganondorf was distracted. "Yeah. So, where might a normal consumer like myself be able to obtain a Goron foot?

"A what, now?"

"A foot. You know, like, if I were to take a small Goron child, hang it upside-down, and chop its foot off at the ankle, I would have a Goron foot. Where can I get one of those?"

"Well," the Goron replied, "we already donated all the small children to... Hey, wait a second. What kind of sick question is THAT?"

Ganondorf shuffled nervously and played with his hair. "I need it for a... Science project..."

Snargles looked around suspiciously and jumped down from Ganondorf's shoulder to his feet.

"I see." The Goron turned around and spoke softly into a walkie-talkie. Muffled voices replied. "Right. Well, you see, we keep those right over-"

Ganondorf was knocked out from behind before he learned the secret of the Foot Clan.

_Later..._

Ganondorf woke up in a holding cell far, far below ground. "Damn it..." He wandered three feet over to the enclosing bars and looked around. "There's a whole hallway of cells…"

He looked into the cell across from his own. "HEY! That one has FOOD, and this one doesn't! AND THERE'S NO ONE IN THAT CELL!" He strains to try and reach across to grab it, but collapsed with a giant sigh as he accepted bitter defeat. The hallway mocked him.

A creaky old voice cackled out from down the hall. "Keekeekee... Don't bother. They put it there on purpose! To entice you... To aaaaaanger you..."

Ganondorf struck an intimidating pose, impressing nobody but himself. "And who might YOU be?" he called out valiantly.

A new voice responded. "I'm looking for some monkeys... Twelve of them."

The first voice countered harshly: "Quiet down there!"

"They're building an army!"

"Don't make me call the warden!"

"FIVE BILLION PEOPLE WILL DIE!" the second voice screamed in terror. "And... The army! THEY'RE BUILDING AN ARMY! Five billion people will die! Let's go free all the animals from the zoo..."

There was a faint sound of footsteps, a rather loud shotgun blast, and another hint of receding footsteps. Ganondorf slid away from the edge of the cell towards the safety of the shadows.

A disgruntled Goron's voice interrupted the silence, but the mumbling was unclear. Something about oranges. The footsteps faded away.

Ganondorf paused for a long while. Then he coughed, froze up in anticipation of footsteps, and paused for another long while. "Wait. Snargles? Where are you, Snargles? WHERE ARE YOU!" he looked around frantically.

Snargles sat patiently outside the cell with a tube of lube in mouth. "Mew?"

"Ah," Ganondorf reached for the tube, "Good kitty! You went all the way back to my room just to get this? Such a SMART kitty!"

For the sake of younger viewers, the following few minutes will only be available on the Unrated DVD Special Edition.

Ganondorf stood triumphantly and slipperyly outside his cell. The scent of victory lube permeated the area and the potted flowers in the corner drooped, disheartened. Nobody in a prison loves potted flowers, and it had no reason to live. With no family or friends, the flowers decided the painless drop to the floor would end the pain and misery. If only somebody would have listened! The potted flowers only needed someone to talk to, but nobody was listening.

"Good kitty. Never would've made it through those thin iron bars without a little bit of help."

Snargles perched on Ganondorf's shoulder. "...Kkkkkkt..."

Ganondorf had grown fond of pausing during his time in prison, and took this opportunity to take a good pause. "...OK, fine, you get one freebie. But that's only because I'm not in that cell anymore."

Snargles looked around innocently. "Maw."

"Yes, they've got sentries all over... I can SMELL them..." Ganondorf's eyes darted back and forth. "From here out, this mission shall be known as Mission: Glass Yarn. Objective: to retrieve that foot and get the hell out of here."

"Maawwaaaaaw."

"Yes, I KNOW it doesn't make sense, but that's the point. It's SUPPOSED to sound like code."

"Yip?"

"No, you can't play with this yarn. It's made of glass!"

Snargles drooped.

Ganondorf picked up Snargles, tied a piece of dental floss to his tail, and set him down "You can be the sentinel. You, being a petite and kawaii widdle kitty, will be able to scout ahead and penetrate their defenses completely undetected!

Snargles, while still getting over the disappointment of the string, appeared rather irritated at having something tied to him.

"I know it's uncomfortable, but we can't have you dying. Speaking of which, you don't seem to be dying as of late."

Snargles paused, thought a moment, and faked a sneeze.

Ganondorf half-sobbed. "I thought we'd cured you! My little fuzzy…"

Snargles sat down slowly.

"No, Snargles! We must keep moving! We must not be caught! Plus, down here there's no sunlight... There's no telling how long we've been down here!"

"Ree... Skree-maw."

Ganondorf twitched. "Yes, yes, you're right," he pulled out the Countdown to Imminent Doom Watch. "It says here we have... Er..." He fliped watch upside-down, "I think... Um…"

He brought the watch down to Snargles' eye level. "Is that a 9 or an 8?"

Snargles sneezed on queue.

"Oh dear. It looks like a 9. He stood up again, "Only 6 years, 321 days, 3 hours, 19 minutes, and about 30 seconds." He thought about this for 6 moments. "I've been in here a half year, haven't I?"

Snargles looked around nervously and became distracted by a nonexistent bug on the other side of the room.

"You left me here for HALF A YEAR?" Ganondorf wiped away a single tear.

Snargles avoided eye contact, drawing circles in dirt with a claw. "Mio..."

"Oh," Ganondorf relaxed. "I thought you'd just left me. Good to know there was a reason."

Snargles stood and wandered around the corner, supposedly leading the way to the surface.

"Remember to be stealthy!" Ganondorf whispered after him.

* * *

Chapter six: end.

**Author's Note: That was a long chapter, it was! Almost makes up for the forever-long pause between chapter uploads!**


	7. Chapter Seven

**Author's Note: I may not have many fans, and I may not get many reviews (usually less on each chapter than the number of people with me on their Author Alert list… Curse ye!), but I stand strong nonetheless. Or, perhaps closer to "I stand much like a giant cardboard cutout: large and cardboardy, yet easily thrown into ye olde furnace." Or something.**

**I'm not very good with analogies.**

**I've noticed, personally, that this fanfic is taking a turn for the who-knows-what in terms of genre. While the earlier chapters were obviously constructed for humor, these later chapters are not so obvious. I hope by this point you've grown attached enough to the story to continue. ;) But don't worry, this won't become a drama or anything like that. You just have to be patient.  
**

**Anyhow, I've managed to scrounge up this chapter for you, my precious readers, because you mean so very much to me. In fact, you mean much more to me when you leave feedback in the form of "reviews." Now, this "feedback" may seem like a long and complicated path to the dark side, but it's actually rather nice. Filled with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who twiddle their thumbs and toes.**

**Well, I hope you enjoy the chapter. And if not, you can always leave (…wait for it…) "feedback" anyway. Everyone needs a good flame now and then. I taunt you! Har, har.**

* * *

The Countdown to Imminent Doom: Ganondorf's Story  
Chapter 7

* * *

_  
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to walk in the shoes of a little green man? Have you ever wanted to simply throw off the reigns of reality and share your misadventures with others in a nice, clean, paragraph format?_

_Don't be ashamed, we all have at one point. Or several. Or perhaps all the time. Perhaps..._

_Well, you should've entered the damn contest, 'cuz you sure as hell didn't win. Our lucky winner, wonderfully enough, was already bestowed with the shoes of a green man, so we didn't have to give him any. Also, he doesn't exist, so the reigns of reality mean nothing to him. Isn't that just peachy? Apparently he has a step-cousin (who goes by the name "Grego") named Grego (but everyone calls him "Grego") who was in the adult photography business, as well, and he just loves the paragraph format._

_So we didn't have to give him a damn thing. We spent the prize money on porn._

_No, no you can't have it. I'm using it right now. No, seriously, I'm busy. Hey, I'm on the air right now. Get outta here, before you screw up the equipment. Hey, what the hell? Are you listening? Who are you---_

_...When we last departed, our hero was busting himself out of what appears a Goron dungeon after being held for half year. Using his multitalented kitty as a scouting drone, he began making his way upwards towards the light...

* * *

_  
Ganondorf tugged impatiently on the string. "So. See anything? Is it free? Is it clean? Does it shine with the passion of a thousand suns?"

There was no response.

Ganondof took this personally, indeed. In fact, his forefathers prided themselves on never being ignored. Ganondorf's forefathers scolded him and called him a little bastard child – which, contrary to the shock and appall of the reader, was true – and threatened to kick him. With boots.

But Ganondorf was a persistent little bastard. "Do you taunt me? Do you want me to be stuck here forever? Does your small, kitty-sized brain allow you to betray your master? Do you comprehend the way the realization of deceit can grasp the heart and ensure the lack of compassion for ones entire, shortened lifetime? Or do you only know the truth of food, water, sleep, and chasing fuzzy things? _DO YOU KNOW THE PAIN OF_---"

Snargles yipped and pulled on the string.

"I knew you'd come back for me!" Ganondorf clutched his heart and calmed the worms eating away at his life force. "But make sure you don't alert the guards!"

By that time, Snargles was a good 40 yards ahead of Ganondorf, around 3 corners, up a flight a stairs, across a few gorges, and had successfully navigated an ostrich over the treacherous plains of Tenochtitlan before returning to struggle and strain to pull free of the string attached to his body. The green man cooing at him was of little concern to a beast with such massive potential.

Ganondorf interpreted the string's convulsions as confirmation. "Excellent. My sentry makes sure he does not omit the possibility that a guard could be patrolling in this direction! But does he know not to make the mistake of creating the noise of a muskrat? Gorons hate muskrats..." He looked around anxiously.

Snargles, after careful planning and deliberation, had decided he was no match for the string in a one-on-one bout. More drastic measures were needed, she knew, and he took two careful steps to the aft before rolling around and attacking the string in any manner possible. "Squee! SQUEE!"

Ganondorf twitched nervously. "No! He shall endanger himself and the mission!" He quickly stood and donned a long black cloak.

At the same moment, a Goron guard walked around the corner rather casually. It didn't take long to spot Ganondorf crouching in the middle of the hallway. There was a dramatic pause.

Ganondorf recognized this pause as the universal sign for a flux in the space-time continuum. While the guard was caught up in his stupor and the audience had a few moments to stifle their gasps and eeks, Ganondorf crept into a corner and tried to make himself invisible.

What Ganondorf didn't know was that the Hyrulian space time continuum was a huge load in the first place, this rendering his theory about dramatic pauses as shit. He was just lucky enough to stumble upon a really, really slow Goron (though his brother had been a track star).

"Hmmm," the guard scratched his head, "thought I saw somethin.' ...Maybe it was nothin.'" He walked around the corner and out of sight.

Ganondorf waited for the dramatic pause before pulling out his huge sword out of his pants and creeping along after the guard.

The guard wandered along slowly, whistling.

Despite Ganondorf's black cloak of +5 dexterity, a rock is a rock is a rock, and sometimes they get in the way. He, along with his foot of -8 luckiness, went face-first into the ground after a footXrock encounter.

In short, he tripped.

"Ow! Damn it! My nose!"

"What?" the guard turned around, not seeing Ganondorf sprawled on the ground in plain sight. "Hmmm... Must'a been rats..." He turned again and continued on his way.

Ganondorf daintily picked himself up and continued on his Evil Sneaking Path, catching up quickly (if only because Ganondorf practiced his ESP daily).

The guard stopped walking for no apparent reason, much like a horse at an intersection – Link can testify to this, and was displeased with his insurance agency after finding out he wasn't covered for Fucktards Riding Horses.

Back in the dungeon, Ganondorf was caught off guard by the sudden change in Sneaking Speed and dropped a penny. The penny screamed for freedom, not knowing that he would soon be trapped in a world where a penny was worth little more than a particularly fanciful blade of grass. Oh, woeful penny!

Another guard burst around the corner, enraged. "I HEARD YA! WHERE ARE YA?" He turned to the first guard, "Where is he? I know I heard a weird noise in here..."

The first guard continued to stare straight ahead, and went on patrolling after a few moments. Ganondorf squeaked along after him.

"I'll find you." The second guard bounded down the hallway in the opposite direction, leaping around corners in hopes of looking scary and finding the noisemaker.

Ganondorf crouched a few feet behind the first guard, who now appeared to be rather happy simply standing in place. "Hmmm." He took out his sword again a swung it through the guard's ankle.

The guard, naturally, screamed bloody effing murder and fell to the ground in a heap of footlessness.

Ganondorf collected his Goron Foot and hopped into a dark corner, prepared to hide from the slightly less-than-neurotic guard that had almost caught him before.

A few minutes passed before the first guard ran out of blood and finally stopped screaming.

A few more passed before Ganondorf got bored of waiting for signs of the other guard to appear. He decided it was safe to run for his life at this moment in time.

He scrambled to his feet and scurried his way to the exit Snargles had taken. "Step one: obtain Goron Foot, check! Step two: get the hell out of here, in progress! Step three... Not in progress yet!" He followed the string back to Snargles, who had made his way to the entrance to the Goron city.

"Hark!" Snargles quipped.

"Let's not use that language here, kitty," Ganondorf threw off his cloak dramatically. "Instead, BEHOLD! As one power rises, another falls!" He held out his hands and cupped them, as if to hold the city within them. "In time, those that fall will be left behind, in order to create a superior world! Survival of the fittest; as one nation dies out, a new, stronger one is created in its rubble! In that case, the strong not seek to support the new power? Or does one fear that he, himself, will be used to forge the walls of this new power with his own flesh?"

"Mew?"

"Those people, my dear pretty, are the first to go! Fear is a weakness, something we have no room for in the world I seek to create! A world, united under one power, will fear none, for there shall be nothing to fear! As one being, the masses shall not fall. And under one power, the masses cannot rise too high as to destroy themselves. I, my kitty, plan to be that power.

Snargles perched on Ganondorf's shoulder.

"Now, dearest Snargles, let us go, and... Wait..." he held up the foot curiously, "This isn't to help me unite the world under one power... This is so I can cure YOU!" he shoved the foot in Snargles' face.

Snargles paused.

"Not sick anymore?" Ganondorf asked questioningly.

Snargles shook his head slowly.

"How cute! It's almost as if you understand me! ...But I'll take your word for it. Then, with THIS," he held up the foot, "I shall begin my conquest HERE!" He threw the foot at high speeds at the nearest Goron's head.

The Goron, despite having a wife and three kids, took the blow in the face and toppled over the railing, falling a few stories to his ultimate doom. A child screamed.

"Nrrrgggk," Snargles pointed out.

"Well, no, I hadn't thought of that. Kind of a one-shot weapon, wasn't it?"

"Pip."

"Well," Ganondorf moseyed over to an open doorway nearby, "I suppose we'll just... Leave, then... Until I find something more suitable."

Ganondorf could have benefited, as many times before, of a larger wealth of information on the people of Hyrule. He was unaware, particularly, of the laws set forth by the Great Horognath in the Obscure Era.

These laws, concerning the conduct of throwing projectiles within Goron city limits, were sacred in this day and age. It had not been two days ago that the Gorons had held a ceremony celebrating the sacredness of their sacred Horognath laws, for the Great Horognath had been far greater than a name like Horognath suggests.

The name perhaps suggests the greatness of no more than a Tektike with an uncommon interest in fine arts, or a Helmarok with an exceptionally large mask. But the Gorons knew the name as the name of a Horognath who had defeated the Evil Master of All Things Projectile, Sasuke (angst).

Somewhere, the voices of millions of Crossover Gods cried out in pain, and were suddenly silenced.

But what truly mattered to Ganondorf was that the rather large community of Gorons in the area all suddenly turned to look at him with a rather fiery look in their faces.

Ganondorf was scared. Scared to the point at which descriptions and adjectives disappear.

Snargles was smarter. Instead of throwing projectiles in hopes of escape, he instead leapt off Ganondorf's shoulder and made a successful dash for the exit.

"Flee! Flee while you can! Save yourself?" Ganondorf was slowly surrounded by a large number of Goron. "Er... OH NO LOOK A DRAGON!" he pointed in a random direction.

The Angered Goron Community all turned in shock to see the dragon, and Ganondorf threw on his black cloak quickly.

The Gorons turned back, relieved by the dragonlessness of their homes. "Hey, where'd he go?" one asked.

"Hm. Better check those pots over there," another suggested and walked over to do so.

Ganondorf pressed himself up against the wall.

Another Goron examined well-lit, visible corners of the room. "Where'd he run off to?"

Ganondorf sidled along towards the exit.

"HEY! THERE HE IS!" one observant Goron pointed Ganondorf out.

Ganondorf froze.

"YOU JUST WAIT, TAFFER!" The Goron ran towards Ganondorf, who flinched and prepared for impact.

"What! I though I saw him around here somewhere," the Goron said, stopping a few inches before Ganondorf. He started looking around in other directions.

Ganondorf saw his opening and made a mad dash for the exit, jumping over the gate and falling (all the way) down the mountainside to the path below. He took a few hours to count his bones to make sure none had been lost on the way down, and took a few shaky steps into Kakariko Village.

"Snargles is a smart kitty," he told himself, "He'll find his way home eventually. But let's see," he took out a notepad. "_Gorons... Hate... Dragons..._ Got it." He put away his notepad. "Now, where does one begin when conquering the world?"

A "barren-sounding" wind blew by, and the camera reveals there appears to be no life in Kakariko.

Ganondorf ignored this. "To conquer the world," he mused, "one must conquer half the world! To conquer half the world, one must conquer half of that! To conquer half of that, one must conquer one-eighth of the world! ...And so on, and so forth... Therefore, to conquer the world, I must conquer THIS VILLAGE!" he stamped on the ground.

"And this is where I shall start! And with only---" he checked his watch, "---6 years and 136 days... _Did I read that wrong last time?_ ...6 years and 136 days left, I must make haste! ONWARD!" He pointed and marched towards a lovely Nowhere in Particular, taking no notice of the strange happenings on the other side of town.

* * *

**Chapter Seven: End  
Countdown to Imminent Doom: 6 years, 136 days, 2 hours, 56 minutes, and 9 seconds**


	8. Chapter Eight

** Author's Note: I think it's quite obvious by now none of you love me. If you loved me, you'd leave reviews and tell me your OPINION. Alas, many of you can't be troubled by this. Simply because I slave away in while constantly being whipped in the back by my overbearing, ever-watchful slave driver, doesn't mean I don't have FEELINGS!  
In other news, I completely lost track of where that sentence was going after my usual whining about reviews. But I do have feelings. Honestly.**

**I suppose that because I (vaguely) threatened you, you should know now that this story is indeed taking a different direction. No longer are the days of homoerotic jokes between Ganondorf and Inky. Instead, scenes of this derogatory nature shall be replaced with puppets reenacting the discovery of Poland by the French (a little known fact that the French discovered it, and then immediately surrendered the territory to a particularly fierce-looking bird).**

**Though in all honesty, it is taking a different direction. Humor is a subtle sport, and I'm becoming much more seasoned. I think. I may also note that there will be a transfer of some of the humor into the occasional "story." True believers will defend that I do indeed have capacity for something more than overused jokes and clichés. So lemme know whether or not you're a TRUE BELIEVER.**

**P.S. Go Class of '05!  
**

* * *

The Countdown to Imminent Doom: Ganondorf's Story  
Chapter 8

* * *

_ We last left off as our friend journeyed into the vague area of Kakariko Village. We again venture in now for another look, where the countdown now reads but a few minutes later..._

"Pongiooooo..."

Ganondorf overlooked Kakariko from the rooftops. "It is a brisk day, indeed, Snargles. So very brisk it could be construed as ominous. But, construitively, this very construation could be construed as a shanty form of mind control. The only way this is possible, my kitty, is if we were being watched by aliens at this very moment."

"Hurrrrrr..."

"Indeed, it is not possible. Therefore, because there are no aliens, there is no mind control, and it is not a brisk day."

"Pongiaaaaa..."

"The day is instead what you want it to be. Perceiving is believing, my beloved fuzzy. And I perceive this day to be a day of CONQUEST!"

"CHING1!21!"

Ganondorf looked over. "There shall be NO vanity involved, Dearest, for there is no time. Instead, there is only time for SUBJUGATION. The denial of basic human rights to these people of Kakariko as I invade it may indeed stir up a group that will oppose us... BUT UNDER THE IRON FIST OF DEMOCRACY-I-MEAN-EVIL, THEY SHALL FALL. And then..."

"Mawww..."

"Yes, then, they will have elections. And they will elect me... OR BE SMITED!" He threw his arms up dramatically.

Snargles waited patiently.

"DAMN IT! I can never get it to work when I REALLY need it!"

The lightning and thunder effects kicked in a few moments later.

Ganondorf raised a fist at the sky. "DAMN YOU, SKY! Why do you mock me?" He turned around, "Allow us to pause, Snargles, so the audience knows we are changing topics.

A pause emanated from the wet dungeon walls...

"There is a problem, however. Tell me, my fine cohort, how many inhabitants of this fine village do your sharp eyes see?"

Snargles gazed into the distance. "Ding hock nein yow rill shrill gill fuck poko riff das nicht."

"What? Where?"

Snargles took out a compass, studied it carefully for a moment, and scratched a rather elaborate map into the rooftop.

"That seems to be a very large group of people. A very large distance away from us."

Snargles nudged the compass off the side. "Zwing!"

"An interesting opportunity," Ganondorf mused, "QUICKLY, we speedily make haste to hurry our ways ACROSS this distance rapidly!

"Snrk."

"If YOU'RE allowed to use a compass, I'M allowed to use a thesaurus. But FIRST WE FOCUS on the PROBLEM AT hand. Like MY random outbursts of EMPHASIS!"

A gong sounded somewhere to the west and a chorus sang a short little song: "Withdraw emphasis!"

"I am refreshed. But again we have a new problem at hand, my ferocious feline. This distance," he motioned to make sure everyone was looking in the right direction, "between me and my victims is far too grand. A solution is required to solve this."

"Chuck chuck chuck!"

"There are far too many flaws in that plan. For instance, according to Newton's seventh law, our trajectory, speed, momentum, and... and... And mass would, um... Make it not work."

"Chick chuck chuck!"

"An interesting proposition indeed. But complications lie within! Such as, how would he manage to meet us up on this roof? It is fairly high above ground level. And what about his feelings? Would he not be again haunted by the visions of---"

A Frenchman wandered into a very cold area. "LOOK, IT IZ POLAND!"

Snargles interrupted. "Trik mawww..."

"Yes... Yes, I understand." Ganondorf sat, pulled out a knife, and began carving a message:

_I SUMMON THEE, O SUMMONED ONE, TO MY SIDE._

He stood. "It has been done."

Then suddenly Inky appeared FROM THIN AIR GASP ZOMG11

Ganondorf bubbled. "Inky, I am so very sorry! I never meant to hurt you! Nevertheless, the price was higher than I had realized! I was to live alone, ready to make the sacrifice!"

Inky held up a hand. "Wait..."

"Was I in love with you?" Ganondorf continued.

"I have something to tell you," Inky said solemnly.

"What might that be?"

"Please, sit. I shall weave this tale for you, and you'll likely grow bored halfway through."

Ganondorf got comfortable. "The best way to fill space in a story!"

Inky nodded. "Truly...

_It was THE DAWN OF THE FIRST DAY that I realized I was no longer happy. Though now free from your dreadful reigns of sadistic power, I recognized the feelings of lonesomeness. The last thing I wanted to do was to return, as those people on shows like Maury and Dr. Phil have shown me that I never want to be as helplessly moronic as they had been. Instead, I come upon the notion that I must find a purpose in life. Something much more than the mindless wandering of the Field, deserts, and plains I had been doing. Something I would be able to look back on and tell myself that it changed my life."_

Ganondorf gasped. "Did you get married?"

Inky jumped. "SILENCE!"

_I realized that without this sudden change in my life, there would be no change in my life. Changes are what create change, Ganny, and change is what I sook. Seeked. Sought. Yes... Sought._

_IT WAS THE DAWN OF THE SECOND DAY that I was taken aback by the harsh reigns of reality and reminded that I was no more than a lowly---"_

"I LOVE POLAND!" said the happy Frenchman.

"_...and it saddened me. I began to..."_

Inky's prophecy ran true as Ganondorf began stroking Snargles "Oooh, kitty kitty, oooh-oooh!"

"_...plot against the maker. The very one who created the notion in my head that I could be anything I wanted to be was to be the martyr that began my climb to the top of my new chosen profession. It was the dawn of the third day that I decided..."_

"Ooh, oooh, kikky-koo! Que bonito, wittle gatito, I shall call thee Pequito!"

"_...you must die."_

Ganondorf stopped a moment. "I'm sorry?"

Inky stepped forward. "As you can see, my narration has revealed a slightly dull, yet nonetheless supposedly dramatic twist in the plot, and you must therefore suddenly call forth a strange character trait which has never been hinted at, yet will henceforth likely be the trait by which you are recognized and/or designed around."

Ganondorf continued, "I'm sorry, Snargles! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I would NEVER call you by a Spanish name! How was I supposed to know they killed your family?"

Inky reached to his side. "I am slowly and theatrically pulling out a weapon now. I will prepare to assault you with it. DON'T BE PREPARED!"

Ganondorf teared up. "If only I had KNOWN, my friend! IT WAS NOT MY INTENTION TO BRING ABOUT SUCH MEMORIES OF YOUR LOVED ONES!"

Snargles stalked off in a huff and disappeared around a corner.

Ganondorf quickly turned to Inky and grabbed his shoulders. "It is up to us now, my friend. For although the kitty may seem small, it harbors such incredible force, it could destroy the entire world. We must go forth and console the tiny pink doom-bringer."

Now it was Inky's turn to tear. "You care so very much for your friends! It warms my previously evil heart to know that such people exist! I shall throw aside my horrid ways and join you on your quest!"

Inky has joined the party!

Ganondorf stomped. "YOU CANNOT JOIN THE PARTY UNLESS YOU KNOW THE SECRET HANDSHAKE. It is all as it is written in The Book."

Inky has been forcefully rejected from the party!

"We follow strict guidelines on our quest to conquer these lands, Inky, AND YOUR NON-BOOK WAYS SHALL NOT THWART US."

Inky stuttered. "But... But I just went through two personal revelations in a row! Doesn't that give me some merit? I should get to join the party!"

Ganondorf whipped out The Book from a really deep pocket. "Ye must have an express invitation from all pre-existing members of The Party or have knowledge of the Secret Handshake of the Party that is passed down from Party member to Party member as seen fit."

"How can I know the handshake if I am not accepted to the Party?"

"YOU FOOL!" Ganondorf exploded, "DO NOT QUESTION THE BOOK! Or The Book will have its way with thee," he waved it threateningly.

"Then how can I get permission to join if---"

"EXPRESS invitation, AS IT IS WRITTEN."

"---if the other Party member is absent?"

Ganondorf blinked and a laugh track rolled discreetly. "Let us consult The Book... Eh. AS IT IS WRITTEN, The Book mandates... mandates... Say, can I borrow a pen?"

"I... don't have one..."

"A pencil, then?"

Inky shook his head apologetically. "No..."

"A quill, perhaps?"

"Why... Yes. Yes I do."

"Excellent." Ganondorf took it and scribbled The Book.

Inky leaned over. "Are you allowed to deface such precious---"

Ganondorf didn't look up. "OF COURSE I AM, BECAUSE THE 'CREATION OF RULES' JOKE IS MANDATORY..." scribble scribble, "...AS IT IS WRITTEN."

"If only the exchange between the two of us were more involving, I could suddenly edge closer to you and make a grab for the book..."

Ganondorf caught him. "The Book."

"...and all would be well. As it is written."

"IT IS NOT."

"Is TOO."

"NOT."

"TOO."

Ganondorf hissed. "I have no time for this. Recovery of lost Party members is vital to the existence of The Cult, AS IT IS WRITTEN. And you are a hindrance. Be góné! And may you forever hold your tongue in its FOREVER CAGE."

"What are you---"

"AS IT IS WRITTEN!" Ganondorf put The Book away. "Now, let's go."

"But you just told me I---"

"Ssshhh! The Book will hear you! Under its Watch, all that oppose are smited."

"Why was I not smited? Does it... Love me?"

"As it is written, you horrid beast," Ganondorf began walking alongside Inky, "As it is written."

A sneeze is echoed forth from somewhere offscreen.

Ganondorf perked up. "_Our calling_!" he charged forward.

Inky followed, "If only tonight was a quarter moon!"

Ganondorf stopped dead in his tracks. "Why? DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING OF THE ENEMY'S MOVEMENT?"

"I was only implying we could have a picnic!"

"But not if we have no basket, Inky. As you can see, there are little food, drinks, or picnic baskets around here."

"Which is why we would need the half moon!"

"Why does the moon suddenly grow a quarter?" Ganondorf accused.

"He thought it would look stylish!"

"Facial hair was never very popular with men 'round these here parts."

"Which explains the monopoly on razors and knives," Inky explained.

"Indeed. For without these tools, we would be hairy indeed, guaranteeing no popularity, no picnics, and no moon."

"Disastrous indeed."

"Indeed," Ganondorf indeeded.

"Yes. Without the moon, we would not be able to see at night."

"And that would cause problems with those who work late. Thus, it would THROW the economy into a deep plunge from which is would never be able to recover. With only half the hours in the day, there is much less time to be productive."

"I see..."

"And thus, a depression unlike any other. We need those knives..."

"A necessity!" Inky agreed.

"Come, cohort, let us go and buy some knives."

"I have never known you to be drawn down to the level of peasants. This 'buying' or 'purchasing' you speak of."

"Do you not understand the delicate nature of our situation? Without knives, the economy will plunge, and without the economy, there will be nothing to rule over when I destroy the entire world!"

"A far-reaching plan."

Ganondorf looked ahead. "Destiny. Now. We were doing something?"

"A rescue mission!"

"Denial will get you nowhere," Ganondorf scolded. "Come; let us approach the crowd in that direction. My hopes of quickly traversing the distance have been shattered, but one bump in the road is not enough to make me swerve and hit a mailbox."

"You speak so cryptically, I do not understand. It must be very profound."

"Fear not, little fiend, for in time you will come to understand. Come!" They marched off in the direction of the crowd.

"But wait!" Inky wondered. "What of your second party member? Were we not required to locate him and retrieve him?"

"I see two people here. I know of what you speak."

"The kitty! The little pink fuzzy?"

Ganondorf sighed. "I understand my superior nature is awe-inspiring, Inky, but you must not lose yourself in my sea of knowledge. Spouting nonsense will get you nowhere fast."

"I--- well, alright."

"FOCUS, CUR! YOUR SURVIVAL IS VITAL TO THE SUCCESS OF THE MISSION."

Inky became defensive upon being assaulted on the eastern front. "_I SHALL STRIKE THEE DOWN!_"

"Excellent," Ganondorf hurried his pace towards the mass of people, "We must arrive before they disperse."

"...Does the word 'allocate' mean anything to you?"

" No, why?"

"It is the very foundation upon which I was born and raised," Inky clarified.

"It is obvious you will have many choices to make in your lifetime."

"Huh?"

"All in good time."

Inky grabbed his sleeve, "WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO?"

Ganondorf stopped and pivoted to face Inky. "WHY DO WOODCHUCKS CHUCK? Why do flies fly? Why is it that underwater creatures live _in_ the water?"

It is the very foundation upon which they were born and raised?" Inky squeaked out.

"No. It is because it is. Is it not?"

Inky thought for a moment, and, coming up with nothing, slowly pronounced a syllable: "yyyyeeesss..."

"Or _is _it?" Ganondorf corrected. "Does that mass of people constitute an opportunity, or instead a gathering of residents? Will it bring us luck or will it bring us troubles?"

"The truth!"

"Far from it," Ganondorf continued talking fashionably, "The truth lies in the future, which does not exist. And because the present cannot be measured, it is naught but a theory. What lies before us is the past, Inky, because it is all that remains."

"We must move forth and meet them."

"No. We must move back and meet them," Ganondorf floated off to the crowd.

"The truly enlightened can fly!" Inky leapt along behind Ganondorf.

_As we arrived before the crowd, my mission was again brought before me. A huge chain of events was about to be begun, and I would be powerless to stop it if I did not take this chance. I knew this. But I also knew that the truly enlightened would bring this world into a new age, far ahead of what existed now. It was my mission or the land. The sign of true internal conflict!_

Ganondorf stood a few yards away from the edge of the crowd, which was making a good deal of noise. "We have arrived, Inky."

"Yes!"

"And it would seem matters have been complicated."

Inky looked, "...How so?"

"_I paused only because I knew this was the time. This was the point at which my decision must be made. But deep down, below the small amount of turkey I had consumed for lunch that day, I knew I had already decided. Slightly below that was the mental note that I needed a new jar of mayonnaise, because my current one was showing signs of life (I saw it preying on my day-old lunchmeat)."_

"See for yourself, uneducated one. Perceiving is believing."

Inky stood on his toes and peered over top of crowd to see what they were surrounding. "Oh... My."

Ganondorf stood still. "Yes."

* * *

Chapter Eight: End.  
Countdown to Imminent Doom: 6 years, 136 days, 0 hours, 4 minutes, 58 seconds.

** Author's Note: I avoid doing these at the end of chapters, but here's a landmark: this is the end of the last chapter I have had to "translate" from script format. From here on out, it will be fresh, clean, and totally awesome. Come back again!**


	9. Chapter Nine

**A/N: I return to you shortly. I've given up hope of ever getting reviews like some other authors in this fine Zelda section (curse you, Galaxy Girl! My Snargles could so take your Genna), but I'll still complain. Because this is my story, and I'll bitch and moan if I want to!  
You can always just skip over the paragraph if you can't take it anymore.  
**

**But then I'll catch you offguard! "Why don't you review?" I shall whine, and you'll sigh and skip the rest of the Author's Note and dive into the beef of the story.**

******Those loyalists who remain… A good day to you!  
As previously mentioned in the endearing Chapter Eight, this is the first chapter I've actually written in quite a while – the previous ones were translations (see: rehashes) of my script format. So, I hope you keep that in mind if you notice a change in the flow of the story. I've given it more thought during the long months I spent slaving away over paragraphéd chapters 1 through 8.**

******So sit back, relax, and keep a finger on that scroll wheel. Enjoy chapter nine!  
**

* * *

The Countdown to Imminent Doom: Ganondorf's Story  
Chapter Nine

* * *

The crowd parted, catching Ganondorf off-guard. A figure combed its way through the split crowd rather noisily and irritatingly. The noises reminded Ganondorf of that day he had boiled a live rat in a pot he had found in the back alleys of the Gerudo Fortress: feisty, squeamish, and particularly loud. The figure was carrying a book which, unlike its carrier, was not covered in shadow despite it being in broad daylight. The text on the spine read: "_Your Newfound Godlike Powers and You_." 

Ganondorf stepped forward to the figure who, despite all logic and reason, was still veiled in shadow. "Shadowy thing," he spat, "you have something I, THE GREAT GANONDORF," he posed and flexed a bit, "_desire_."

The figure stopped its slow progress out of the crowd's center, but gave no reply.

"I'm telling you, shadowy thing, that you must give me that book now, or suffer a death in which you will suffer so very much it may end up feeling like you're in a pool of bananas. It is SO VERY PAINFUL that the human mind cannot even perceive it, so it floats off into its banana-pool abyss…"

The shadowy figure slowly reached behind its back.

"Don't try anything funny, now, shadowy thing," Ganondorf warned him, reaching for his phaser before realizing he never had one, "I don't like funny stuff. It's... Funny. And distasteful."

The shadowy thing would have none of it. From behind his back he pulled... A KNIFE! A large knife, covered in the blood of many poor, innocent children who simply happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. The shadowy thing hated children. He knew that if the human race was to survive, its children would have to die.

Ganondorf's first instinct told him that he could take him out with a Flying Dragon Tornado Half Circle Buzz Kick. His second instinct, usually the one that kept him alive, reminded him that he had absolutely no combat training and was essentially meat on legs until he learned some kickass magic that could level his enemies.

His third instinct reminded him that Inky was a far better meatshield than himself. "Inky!" He pulled him over, "Inky, dear boy, go get that book from the shadowy thing."

The shadowed figure began advancing slowly and rather menacingly.

Inky made a face. "He... He, uh..." Inky didn't have time to think up a proper excuse before Ganondorf's summoning spell wore off and Inky was _POOF_ed back to wherever the hell it is he came from.

Ganondorf backed up slowly. "You... You shadowy thing, you... Just you wait! Someday, I'll be strong enough to take you out. Then I'll take your book and spit on you! Then I'll kick you. With boots!"

The shadowy thing took a liking to the "heavy breathing" sound effect, and continued onward towards Ganondorf, now looking _and_ sounding rather menacing.

"I fear not, for the wrath of you is not intimidating or nerve-wracking, neither vicious nor relentless!" Ganondorf backtracked quickly, "I'll be back, shadowy thing! I'll not meet the same fate as my daughter!"

Shadowy thing charged at Ganondorf, large knife held high, but failed: he had not taken into account that Ganondorf's first learned spell was teleportation (very good for running away).

Ganondorf arrived in the middle of Hyrule Field, Lon Lon Ranch but a few meters away. Inky sat against the wall, waiting. "I knew you'd run away," he stood up.

"Shut up! I _was_ performing the incantation that would make him explody into a million pieces, but I messed up a syllable and was accidentally transported... Coincidentally... to your side..." Ganondorf murmured.

The background music suddenly turned very grave and foreboding, almost as if something dramatic were about to occur. We, as the audience, know that this is the part where we lean forward and some punk preteen in the back yells "penis!" and you punch him in the fucking face and tell him if he wants to live to see his mother again he'll keep his hole shut.

Inky and Ganondorf didn't recognize this. Instead, Inky's voice dropped a few octaves as the fire in his eyes danced like small ballerinas whipped until they performed perfectly in sync. "Ganny. I know it's hard, to see the shadowy thing again so many years after he chopped off the head of your daughter, Gertrude---"

"Gilla," Ganondorf interrupted, "not Gertrude... Or was it Gully?"

Inky waited.

"I don't know," Ganondorf mused, scratching his chin thoughtfully, "it was something with a 'G,' I'm sure of it... Gumby... Gina... Gogo..."

Inky continued and drowned Ganondorf out. "--- but you must focus. The little pink kitty, _he _is the one---"

"She," Ganondorf corrected pointedly.

"--- _she_ is the one who we must focus on. Her---"

"His," Ganondorf corrected pointedly.

Inky was a patient beast. His mother raised him well. "Its innate powers are far too dangerous to be let alone, you said so yourself!"

Ganondorf posed again (he was becoming very good at it). "Fear not, Inky, the doom-bringer is close within our reach once more. His fuzzy little paws have not far to... Paw..." he looked around, unsuccessfully searching for the word, "before we are upon him and can cuddle him into widdle bitty pieces again!"

"Maria," Inky had a finely tuned Spanish accent, "how can you say this?"

"Simple!" Ganondorf pulled out a small mechanism, extending the antenna, "I made sure I would be able to track my little lovely so he would never be lost!"

The Mechanism beeped.

"DO NOT SPEAK UNLESS SPOKEN TO!" Ganondorf slapped The Mechanism, "How many times to I have to tell you?"

Ganondorf continued to scold the machine, and Inky leaned up against the wall of the ranch once more, admiring the beautiful day. Oh, how he longed to be a bird, to be able to fly away (he was reminded of a tune he'd heard once, but resisted the urge to burst into song).

A real bird flew by and Inky cursed it silently. The bird exploded with a chirp.

Oh, how Inky was jealous of the beings who had such freedom, such majestic qualities! He supposed that he would even settle for being one of those ugly vulture-things – plus they had the advantage of being able to beat up on small defenseless woodland creatures for no particular reason! That was it, he decided, he wanted to be a vulture-thing.

"I'm glad we came to this little under_standing_," Ganondorf growled, and turned to Inky once more. "Watch closely!" He pressed the sole button on The Mechanism.

Inky tried to peer over to see what The Mechanism was displaying, but Ganondorf shooed him back, demanding his personal space (something he never had any trouble losing to Inky before, the moblin wondered). The Mechanism beeped a few times, made a sound not unlike Snargles himself, then was silent.

Ganondorf studied the results, then looked at Inky suspiciously. "Inky, just how close have you been with my little Snargles?"

Inky knew this situation well. He knew, stereotypically, he would stutter a few times, looked around nervously, then be interrogated by Ganondorf until he cracked and confessed all wrongdoings even if he had never committed them.

Ganondorf's left eye seemed to be getting bigger as it watched him. It was a terrible, terrible eye, Inky knew, and now it stared straight into his very soul. He backed up against the wall... And suddenly became aware of very heavy breathing behind him...

All suspense aside, Inky discovered that the breather was not shadowy at all, but was rather a horse who thought Inky smelled particularly like carrots and had grown very hungry at the thought.

Ganondorf finally managed to get his eye back to average size. "Sorry," he said, wiping it off a bit, "it does that sometimes. I think it's an allergic reaction." He seemed to have forgotten what he was angry about. "Where were we?" he asked.

Inky thought fast. Thought fast like a mouse on butter wheels. "You were just saying... That we should continue our search for Snargles in a more suitable location, like Kokiri Forest!"

"THAT'S RIGHT!" Ganondorf recalled, "I remember now! Come, Inky, we shall reign some doom upon our filthy enemies and rescue my sweet little kitten!" he jogged off at a rather leisurely pace. "Pace yourself, Inky!" he called behind him, "It's a long way to the forest!"

Inky collapsed in a depressed heap. The kids in school used to call him fat because he was fat and couldn't run. He recalled joining the track team just so he could wait at the finish line of each race and throw dirt into the dry eyes of his tormentors and hand them cyanide-flavored Kool-Aid as they ran by.

But that was 10 years ago! He didn't have to live his life in fear of what the bullies in high school had said! They were meaningless anyhow, and most of them were probably working at McHarkinian's or Taco Gong by now! He could live his own life! He could do whatever he wanted to do! He could---

Ganondorf noticed Inky's absence and turned to yell something about Inky being fat and worthless and get his lazy ass over here now or he's gonna regret it.

Inky got up. And he began to run. Not for Ganondorf, not for Snargles (okay, maybe a little for Snargles), not for himself... But for the children. Inky ran for the children.

* * *

Shadowy Thing was really rather disappointed, and he demonstrated this by castrating a few villagers before devouring them. The crowd dispersed rather quickly. Shadowy Thing _knew_ he wouldn't make any friends is he kept being so menacing. I mean, he was a _monster_, but he didn't have to be such a monster about it. 

He pondered this for a moment before slicing off another valued limb of an unfortunate , productive member of Kakariko's society.

But he knew, deep down, he really just wanted to fsck some people up. It wasn't bloodlust really, he told himself, it was just that he liked to stab and murder things and watch them bleed. Sometimes he ate them, you know, so nobody would have to clean up. It's polite.

The real reason he was interested in Ganondorf (and previously his delectable daughter, Gothrough, or Galak, or Genentech, or something...) was not because he wanted to stab him into a million pieces – well, yeah, maybe a little – but rather because he _needed_ to. It couldn't be explained, there was just something plainly and surely antagonistic in his nature.

He was, after all, shadowy and dark. What else can someone who's enshrouded in darkness do besides try to kill the main character? I mean, honestly, he told himself, exasperated. As he chewed through a villager's spleen, he tried to imagine himself any other way.

* * *

Snargles found himself in a dark place. 

A dark, dark place.

A place so dark even dark couldn't escape, making it really, really... Really dark.

And the smell, oh! the smell. Snargles put a paw up to his nose in an attempt to take his own life but only succeeded in stifling the smell a bit. He rolled over in what felt a bit like thick oatmeal.

* * *

Ganondorf tapped his foot impatiently. "Inky! Can't you move a little faster?" 

A few moments later, a mass of sweaty flesh that vaguely resembled Inky trotted up beside Ganondorf outside the entrance to the Forest. "Mhgfh... Gu..."

"No, I returned them yesterday. I told you that," Ganondorf told him, annoyed. "They're not charging me those late fees again. I'm onto them. They'll be second to go in The Purge. Right after those old hags in the courtyard who mocked me," he shook a fist as he recalled a couple nameless characters he had encountered for a total of 20 seconds.

"Rughnmluh…" Inky-sweat-flesh breathed heavily.

"No, and no," Ganondorf told him. "See, the problem with that is that we aren't small children of the forest. So if we try to step in here, we'll be maimed or exploded – shut up I know it's not a word it is now – or poked until we bleed to death or some other horrible, ill-contrived way of torturing us.

"Like with squirrels," he continued, "I hear they're particularly nasty around here. With huge, sharp teeth and nuts big enough to knock you right out. Then they feed on your warm flesh as you sleep the last hours of your life away."

Inky looked longingly back at Hyrule Field.

"No, no no," Ganondorf corrected him, "we must press on... Under the _guise_ of small forest children. It shouldn't be too hard, really. I mean, they're small, green, and... and foresty. With leaves and fairies and crap. Right?"

Inky sneezed.

"Sweet Goddesses, you're right. We can't keep stalling here, WE'RE NEEDED!" He grabbed Inky's arm and dragged him into the forest behind him. Then, after a moment's thought, shoved him in front and trailed along behind him, watching for squirrels and other vicious forest creatures.

The moment he stepped into the forest, Inky suddenly felt refreshed. Whether it was the forest magic or the fact that Ganondorf was behind him again after all these years – the moral support he needed – he wasn't sure. But he knew he once again had the energy to FIGHT THE MAN and DO STUFF!

So he did!

Inky looked left and right before leaping off the bridge into the village. "Mother always said, 'my son, do the noble thing,'" he told himself, "'you have to finish what you started, no matter what.'" He ran off into the Woods, where he soon became very, very Lost.

Ganondorf grabbed the rope railing where Inky had plunged into the depths of foresty greenness. "Blasphemy. This is very much unlike him," he pondered, "what has gotten into him to the point where he would leap off bridges and run off into the Woods? He will surely become very, very Lost.

"But listen to me," he leaned back a bit and stared off into the partially obscured skyline, "I used to be so carefree, chasing after the muffin man – yes, I knew him well – and riding Harleys across Hyrule to get some boob grabbage... I mean Triforce... from the Princess. Now I'm just a boring old green thing." He sighed and sat down, brooding intently. "I blame the French."

* * *

"Deeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiin...?" Snargles asked the darkness. 

"Moooooooo," came a belated response.

* * *

Inky found himself in a dark place. 

He remembered very little. He remembered leaping off the bridge in hopes of stepping closer to accomplishing his mission, but after stumbling into the brush, everything was fuzzy. Really fuzzy. It was like a million Snargles had all crowded into the same Woods and started wiggling around a bit. He was sure, though, that he would have noticed if the forest had suddenly become a wiggling mass of pink fuzziness. It most certainly had not been pink.

Nothing wiggled anymore.

In fact, Inky wasn't even sure if that was his own reflection staring back at him or a pair of big, blue eyes. The eyes questioned him in a tongue he did not understand.

* * *

Ganondorf stood up. "Brooding is for heroes. I have better things to do!" He stalked over a few paces towards the village entrance before pausing, turning, and leaping over the edge of the bridge.

* * *

Shadowy Thing found himself in a dark place. 

Though that was actually rather normal for a giant walking shadow thing. He gave a few prayers to multiple gods and goddesses, and floated up a mile or so, brushing leaves off of his shoulders as he ascended.

I need to find that man, he said, to complete the collection. He wasn't sure he was anywhere around here, but it was likely. Even from this high, though, it wasn't easy to see anything on the ground level.

* * *

Ganondorf throttled that damn kid. "I SAID TELL ME WHICH WAY HE WENT. I don't care about your stupid little game!" 

The kid made a sound that resembles the sound Lindsay Lohan makes when she pukes every few hours or so.

"That's not good enough!" Ganondorf told him. "I NEED ANSWERS!" He threw the kid to the ground (who was far older than Ganondorf, after all, so Ganondorf felt no remorse about doing so).

The kid jumped up and pulled out a knife. "Bitch, I'll cut you!"

"You wanna dance?" Ganondorf felt around in his pants for his blade and whipped it out.

"Woah, dude," the kid dropped the knife and backed up a few steps, "I didn't know it was like that."

"Good," Ganondorf moved to sheath it, but the kid picked up his knife, leapt at Ganondorf, and disarmed him.

Ganondorf sat down quickly. Somewhere, a dragon wept.

"Das RIGHT," the kid danced and threw some gang symbols at Ganondorf. They hurt.

"Fine, kid," Ganondorf knew how to handle pain like this. "You win. But there's one thing you should know..."

The kid stopped his ritual and turned to face Ganondorf. "What!"

Ganondorf leapt up and threw a table on the ground. "I PLAY A MEAN GAME OF BACKGAMMON!"

New kids jumped out of bushes. "What? Fight?"

Ganondorf had set the backgammon up in 1.4 seconds flat. "Let's rumble!"

The kid couldn't back down with all his friends watching, so he stepped up to the table. "You know, we Kokiri are known for our tabletop and board games."

The bush kids murmured agreement and formed a crowd.

"Dude, where are your shoes?" one bush kid asked another.

"Shoes? Fuck shoes."

Ganondorf waved at them to be silent and stared at his opponent.

One more kid dropped out of a tree. "I heard it, so I came _out_," he explained.

Ganondorf struck a pose, and the game began. It was fierce, and at least 2 fingers on both sides were bleeding after the intensive dice use halfway through the game.

"_He wasn't kidding,"_ Ganondorf thought, _"he's strong."_ He grunted and moved his pieces.

"_Damn it all,"_ thought the kid, _"I fucking hate green. Why does everything have to be green around here? It's all green trees, green grass, and now this green fool's comin' in here, steppin' on our turf. I'll crush him!"_ He exhaled sharply, a sure sign of true concentration. He needed that double-6 roll.

"_I wonder how Knives is doing?"_ Ganondorf rolled a lucky number, _"he's been down in that dungeon for a pretty long while."_

"_Seriously, though. I mean, green sucks. The Zoras got all the cool colors, and we're stuck with green, 'cuz we're just kids and it doesn't matter to us, right? I cut this fool and he even bleeds green. I hate him."_

"So," Ganondorf mocked him aloud, "had enough?"

The kid grunted. _"He's strong. I should've known, what with him being so green. But I can't lose! Not here!"_

"I'm just getting warmed up!" the kid cackled, trapping Ganondorf's piece.

Ganondorf took out a banana and peeled it slowly, intently, while staring the kid square in the eye (everything was still rather pixilated back then, see kids, so eyes weren't round yet. That didn't happen until the late sixties).

"_Assmonkey,"_ the kid furrowed his brow, _"how did he know my weakness?"_

Ganondorf tried to convince the banana that he wasn't such a bad guy, really, that he was just a little drunk last night is all; he was sorry, it wouldn't happen again. The banana would have none of it. They were _through_.

The kid tried to shake the banana's grip on him. _"No! I have to concentrate! It's just a banana! There's nothing special about yellow! It's just... Just... So beautiful..."_

"Well, come on!" Ganondorf complained rather loudly, "it's not like I had a choice! Big John had me at gunpoint! He was gonna blow my brains out! I had no choice but to sleep with Cheryl and Cindy... And Berry..." he paused. "Well, yeah, OK, but Juju doesn't count. I mean, no man alive could pass her up."

The kid pounded the tabletop with his face, but quickly righted himself. "Look, Mister, I'll tell you what I saw if you give me the banana."

Ganondorf smirked and moved to lick the banana. "Do you want it?"

"DON'T LICK IT!"

"I don't know, I'm sooo hungry..."

"I'll tell you! I'll tell you everything! Just... Don't lick it! Give it to me!"

Ganondorf rolled his dice once more and moved his final piece into position. "I win."

The kid was suddenly infuriated. "What! That's not... It can't be!" He was then enraptured by the yellow once more, "Banana..."

The crowd of bush kids disappeared as they saw that there wasn't going to be any more bloodshed. "Here, feel this damage," one of them told another.

Ganondorf slid the banana over the table, and the kid took it hungrily. He rubbed it on his face for a moment before sticking it in a shirt pocket.

"Alright," he said in a low voice, "here's what happened. It was bright and stuff, so I was out kicking green things." He waved off Ganondorf's question, "then I heard this weird sound. I mean, I hear a lot of weird things, you know? This one time, I walked in on my grandma---"

"I've heard this one," Ganondorf interrupted quickly.

"Oh. Well, I heard this noise from over in some green stuff over to my left, so I was like, 'what bitch I'll cut you,' and it stopped. So I walked over there and kicked it. But then it started telling me about some depths of hell or something, and---"

Ganondorf shook his hand around a bit. "Wait, which depth of hell?"

"I don't know. But it was a pretty pathetic-sounding demon."

"Was it talking about the Maw?"

"Yeah, that's it. Anyway, that one time, with my Grandma..."

"No no," Ganondorf moved forward and stepped on a bug, who cursed him and his family a split second before being crushed. "Was it a little pink kitty?"

"I don't know, I never saw it. Everything got real dark. I think it was because I was looking at too much green stuff and I started drowning in my own self-pity."

"Is that everything you remember?" Ganondorf asked as he wiped a bit of bug off his shoes.

"Well, yeah, because after that I---" the kid never got to tell anyone else about his Adventure with Grandma because Ganondorf stabbed him repeatedly in the face and threw his body into some underbrush.

Now that he was alone, Ganondorf knew, he could work on getting his voice back to normal. It was much too high now.

* * *

Chapter Nine: End 


	10. Chapter Ten

**Author's Note: I have some advice for you poor suckers - it's alright, admit it, we're all poor suckers deep down inside – but it's not very interesting. I find that my author's notes rarely are. But if you had better things to do with your time, you wouldn't be reading fanfiction! So pucker up!**

**I have come to this conclusion: "Fuck."**

**Stifle that sigh. Fuck is the meaning of life and the bearer of death, the proof of god's existence and nonexistence, the root of all happiness and evil. Fuck is just fucking fuck, and there's really not much you can do about it.**

**So my advice to you, and take this as you will, is to go Fuck yourself while you still have the chance.**

**Now read my fanfiction. Suckers.

* * *

**

The Countdown to Imminent Doom: Ganondorf's Story  
Chapter Ten

A wrinkled old man garbed in robes sat before the fire that is in no way, shape, or form related to Ganondorf's soul. He sat in silence, in darkness, in a place that was really quite boring and cliché. But that didn't bother him. He was entranced by the fire.

It danced for him.

* * *

"I now have a hint," Ganondorf stroked his chin. "A clue. A lead. I can wrap my little fingers around it until it sputters out its last breath and then I will step on it because I like stepping on things. And then I will lift my foot and see the glory that I will see. And I will see it well, because it will guide me to my precious Snargles." 

Ganondorf threw his face into the ground. Hard.

The grass complained about how things weren't like the old days, where lovers would have picnics on grass and children would fly kites. No, nowadays green people were shoving their noses where they don't belong. No respect, they agreed, no respect at all. But their day would come. Very soon. Very soon indeed.

Ganondorf didn't move a muscle for a couple minutes. Then he quickly exhaled through his nose and stood. "I see."

He moved forward slowly.

* * *

The grass whispered in the breeze, because it was not confident nobody was around to hear. It had to keep its voice low so no secrets were revealed prematurely. Word had spread that there were four key figures in the way of the Legion of the Land ("LoL")'s plans, and the leaders were not happy. 

In fact, the leaders were unhappy for a number of reasons. First, Lord Drogmor bellowed, only two of the four Enemies' locations were known (though the third had been spotted and the matter was being investigated, a random underling added). Second, progress on the master plan codenamed Red-Orange Foot Locker ("ROFL") was behind schedule even _before_ these four Enemies showed up. And THIRD, he fumed, HIS ARMIES WERE BEING TRAMPLED.

"Not just killed!" he shrieked, "But overrun mercilessly! Like they were no more than bugs!"

"My Lord," the underling bowed, "we're still not quite sure whose army it is that has been raining death upon our forces. They showed so suddenly and... Well, it was very dark."

"I don't want your excuses! IT WAS DAYTIME!" Lord Drogmor was sweating a bit. He had been exerting a lot of energy yelling at these people.

"The matter is being investigated, sir. If it pleases the Lord, we have found the name of the most recently found Enemy."

Lord Drogmor paused and waited for a minute. "Are you waiting for me to ask 'what?'"

"It's 'Ganondorf Dragmire,' Sir."

The Lord was pleased, and yet still so very angry. "_Why haven't we caught him yet!_"

We just need a bit more time."

"More? You want _more?_"

"Yes, please sir. I'm hungry."

"I- Well, I..." the Lord paused. "Yes, well, go on then. Dismissed."

The underling scurried off with a skip in his step and a smile on his face and inevitably died of a heart attack the next morning. Lord Drogmor was uncomfortable. "It is true that we have not seen sunlight for quite some time now," he mused, "it is disturbing. The men are starting to lose motivation. Some have started losing their color. Poor Scooter was already white as a bone when the scouting party finally caught up to him. I wonder what he saw... What did he know..."

* * *

Snargles danced. It wasn't a particularly happy dance, because Snargles was not particularly happy. He wasn't dancing because he was happy, or scared, or because she heard a phat beat. He just had nothing else to do. So she danced. 

It reminded him a song. If she were still in his prime, she would have burst into song... But those days were past, and Snargles had better things to do. Unfortunately, escape was not one of them. It was still rather dark and rather quiet, so he had shut her eyes so as not to strain them by trying to see in total darkness. It didn't work; he still couldn't see anything.

It had probably been over an hour now, and there had been many attempts at a breakout of the black dark blackness. But it was hard, as it was really quite impossible to even tell which way was out. Up, down, left, right, maw, meow, none of it made any difference.

So dancing was really the only thing left anyway.

* * *

A young Kokiri woke up in a hospital bed feeling rather angry. Perhaps his shoes were too tight, or his heart was a few sizes too small. 

But the author will let you in on a secret: it was neither. In fact, he wasn't wearing _anything_, and Kokiri don't have hearts or blood or anything like that. They're sub-human. Slaves. Animals. Lower than beasts and fit only to serve the white man – or so say the Ancient Hyrulian Texts. Unfortunately, there was some debate as to who was whiter: the Zora or the Hylians. Of course, the Zora say the Hylians are hardly fit to rule over themselves let along a whole 'nother race, and the Hylians tell them they're really more blue than white and ew it smells like fish so shut your legs.

It's really a sad, sad story. Long story short, that's why the Kokiri hide out in their forest now, where the white man can't get to them.

But this waking Kokiri didn't hate the white man. He was actually fairly good-natured (at least compared to most Kokiri, who are really rather obnoxious) and forgiving. But this time was different. It wasn't the white man that was bringing him down and stabbing him in the face, throwing him in bushes, and leaving him for dead. No.

It was that green man. And he was going to pay.

* * *

Knives woke up in a dark place. His eyes hurt. His throat hurt. His thighs hurt. His fingers were kinda sore, but he wasn't sure if he put them in the "hurt" category just yet. He moved them around a bit and quickly decided they did indeed hurt. Knives was a rational man most of the time, and when he wasn't trying to end all human life, he liked to breathe once in a while. When he found that he couldn't because his throat was so dry, he reached over and gulped down the freshly-made water Ganondorf had prepared for him before leaving. 

Knives was quite obviously in a dungeon. A top-of-the-line dungeon, no doubt, but a dark and dank place nonetheless. And being trapped in dungeons just wasn't his thing.

Normally it would take very little effort for him to blow the living fuck out of the walls around him and escape. But he quickly discovered that the walls weren't going anywhere. Not because they were particularly strong walls, he told himself, but because for some reason all his powers were gone. Although he couldn't quite admit it to himself yet, he was about as powerful as the average mortal. Except much, much angrier and vengeful.

Knives, like any good character trapped in a dungeon, crafted a lockpick out of whatever resources he had available (because he didn't have any hairpins at the time, he settled for using the water bottle) and busted out. When he reached the top of the stairs and burst out into freedom and daylight again, he prettied himself up in a mirror before going out to seek revenge.

"Fucker died my hair?" he wondered to himself as he dusted off his clothes and inspected himself.  
It was a bit darker than usual.

* * *

The shadowy thing was unhappy again. It had been a rather good day until a couple hours ago, where he had the displeasure of consuming an unbathed child whole. Screwy parenting these days, he remorsed, letting filthy children waddle around in their own dirt, letting unsuspecting monsters just up and eat their disgusting little limbs without even so much as a "hey, wait, he's dirty." 

Such disrespect these days. A couple decades back, people knew their place. The shadowy thing sighed. "It is a most unfortunate quality of the new age that is coming upon this land." He noticed he was hungry again, and wondered if he was hungry enough to risk eating another villager – he hoped most others had cleanlier habits.

His thoughts turned to the man who had demanded the magic book of him a while back. Through the information he had sapped from his victims' brains, the man's named was Ganondwarf. It was this man, shadowy thing knew, that was ushering in this new age of Hyrule. It was he who was responsible for these unwashed children running amuck when a monster is trying to collect a decent meal.

He had to go. Immediately. Painfully.

Shadowy Thing stood up. There was no time for eating now. He had a mission.

* * *

Ganondorf found himself in Hyrule Field a small distance away from the entrance to Kokiri Forest. He scratched his head and looked around. Sure, he had been Lost a few minutes ago, but he hadn't been _this_ Lost. "Though I would have noticed if I hit the edge of the forest," he mumbled. 

He blinked a few times and decided he never liked forests anyway. He would continue his mission elsewhere. He was in no hurry anyway. He knew fate was on his side, and the tiny pink doom-bringer would appear at his side once more when the time came.

But he wept anyway. Because no man like Ganondorf could last long without his faithful fuzzy companion. He sucked in a tear. "My wittle Snargles..."

* * *

Chapter Ten: End 

**Note: Really short this time, but it had been long enough since I last updated! I'll try to kick it up a notch for chapter 11.  
I hope those of you who've been reading since the beginning aren't growing bored. ;)**


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Author's Note: It's been a while, hasn't it? Oh yes indeed. But whatwith things and quazzles and were-thingies always pestering me, it's no small surprise that I'm even still alive. Really.**

**One unfortunate thing: this is a short story chapter, meaning there may be few "funny haha" moments in there. I need to set some things up. ;)  
**

******­­**

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******  
**  
****** ­­The Countdown to Imminent Doom: Ganondorf's Story**

******Chapter Eleven  
**

******­­**

******­­**

* * *

­­It was getting very dark, very dark indeed. But it was not a natural black dark blackness. No, Ganondorf knew, this was much more than it appeared to be. This was a premonition of doom. 

But what? What secrets did this particular doom house? What sort of doom were we even talking about, anyway? There were many dooms to come in the near future: the doom of Hyrule, the doom of the Hero of Time, and the inevitable doom of the shadowy thing that had mocked him so fiercely.

But this doom that surrounded Ganondorf now was far colder than any of those other dooms. He fell to his knees as the doom took hold of him and used its sneaky Jedi tricks to cloud his mind. There was only one thing Ganondorf knew: he didn't want to die before he got some boob grabbage from the princess.

"Triforce," Ganondorf shivered. "Triforce!"

­­

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* * *

­­Knives stood in the middle of Hyrule Market. The residents were a bit fascinated by his fashion choices, but otherwise stayed their distance. 

"LOL," he smiled. "LOL."

­­

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* * *

­­The never-ending dance of eternity had ceased minutes ago. It was very dark where Snargles was, very dark indeed. But this was good: when in ninja mode, the darker the better, Snargles had decided. To be in ninja mode was to be very still and very quiet. To be in ninja mode was to be ready to pounce on the first thing that moved. Ninja mode was All Systems Go. And Snargles had been in ninja mode for a long, long time. 

And like any ninja who hadn't been able to flip out and kill someone in a long time, Snargles was becoming edgy. Edgy enough to SHANK A MAN. With his razor tail of Painful Whip +3 and Tooth/Claw Combo of +2, Snargles was an unstoppable shanking ninja machine.

Then, not but 3 meters ahead, something wiggled.

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* * *

­­Shadowy Black Thing was having the Stomach Cramp of the Gods. He knew he had brought it upon himself with such an appetite, but it was still a damn good reason for self-pity. It was but a few moments ago that he was struck with a terror for achy than he had ever experienced. He puked up a few rupees into the nearby bush and hoped nobody would steal them before he could return. He needed to get them out of his system, now. 

But this was no ordinary cure. There was only one way to rid oneself of the Stomach Cramp of the Gods, and it lay atop Death Mountain. Puke up the foul beasts into the molten liquid near the pinnacle, They Said, and you'll be rid of them forever.

Shadowy Thing considered his options. Yes, it was rather bright and hot up there, but it was also a very suitable place for an evil, shadowy thing to live. If he was lucky, he could kill two birds with one stone: rid himself of this cramp and find a new place to stay other than migrating around Kakariko.

Very well, he supposed. It would be fun to wreak havoc on a dormant volcano, after all.

­­

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* * *

­­Ganondorf shuddered. The doom had left and the sun was smiling and the birds were chirping and the bunnies were frolicking and everything. 

"You! Stop right there!" Ganondorf leapt to his feet. There was a rogue bunny trying to blend in with the rest.

But Ganondorf was smarter than that. Real bunnies didn't have surveillance cameras on their heads unless they were Microsoft Bunnies – which this one was not. He jumped over, grabbed the spy, and lifted it up before it could hop merrily away.

"What is the meaning of this... Bunny?"

The fuzzy monitor was silent.

"BUNNY!" Ganondorf shook his captive violently. "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE."

But the bunny would have none of this. There was only so much abuse one furry animal would put up with, and he had been very patient already. This was a time for vengeance.

Ganondorf was eyeballing the bunny. "I know what secrets you hide."

"EEL!" the bunny's battle cry rang out as it launched itself at Ganondorf's face. Normally, there would be a fierce battle between man and bun-bun, but Ganondorf's Melee training had taught him that a simple roll and grab combo would be sufficient against this noob. But this bunny was lightning fast – much faster than predicted. By the time Ganondorf reached from behind, the bunny was already out of range.

But something besides Ganondorf's aim was amiss: dragging stealthily behind the bunny was a thick black cord, now visible as it was being pulled along behind the camera-laden attack beast. A quick yank not only resulted in the camera jerking back, but the bunny along with it. As it hit the ground, it seemed very tired and fell asleep.

Ganondorf felt guilty. Normally he would coo at such fuzzy cute things, but he felt no need. Where was his life going? Was he really such a merciless tyrant that he would steal cameras from defenseless critters? He wondered what would happen if he continued down such a terrible path.

Then he remembered the cord he was holding in his hand. He had never seen a bunny-compatible AC adaptor before, but he wasn't up-to-date on the kid's new-fangled toys these days. Back in his day, bunnies ran on batteries.

But in any case, Ganondorf disliked the idea that someone was using a camerabunny to watch him. Penance must be paid. He began to follow the cord, watching out for other small woodland creatures who may be more than they seemed. There was this one rock who was looking at him funny, but Ganondorf credited that to the bad weather they hadn't had (rocks love rain). He had heard that he should let bygones by bygones, so he bid it adieu and it was gone.

He was slowly led to a small boulder near the edge of a large grove of trees. The cord, which was apparently quite agile, managed to disappear underneath it. After circling said small boulder, Ganondorf deduced it was either an outlet in disguise (possible), or there was something hidden underneath it (more likely). Calculating odds like this always made Ganondorf uneasy (in school, statistics made him sweat), but there were few choices in this scenario.

End result: move the boulder.

"...Where are my Power Gloves?"

Little did Ganondorf know that there was a ninja not but 20 feet below, unaware of his approach.

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* * *

­­Inky was hot, scared, and bleeding. Breath came in short gasps. Everything was dark. The demons were relentless. Soon it was all over for him.******  
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**********­­Chapter Eleven: End**

******Note: Alright, so last chapter when I said it would be longer, I lied.**


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Author's Note: THEY SAID it couldn't be done. "Half a year and not so much as a giggle?" they cried, "Preposterous! He is dead," they sounded. But they were foolish in their howls, for even six months later authors can retain more than a resemblance of their former selves should they so desire.  
**

**Many disagree! Empirical evidence points to the fact that authors, given time away from their madness, will slowly wither away into husks of uncreative, short-winded bags of flesh and blood.**

**But pay them no mind, o faithless. I may be short-winded, but I am not yet finished.**

**--**

The Countdown to Imminent Doom:

Chapter Twelve

The Shortest Chapter Ever.

Sorry.

--

Shadowy Black Thing was at the top, peering down. A long, long drop into spicy hot lava greeted him. Beside him were small, rickety bridges designed to kill as many people as possible by dropping them into the fiery abyss. They led to a protrusion on the other edge of the volcano, where the entrance to what he assumed was a Goron temple laid.

He was feeling significantly better, but still wasn't feeling very well at all. In fact, he took about three steps before he coughed up a small piece of his heart (that was fine, he never used it anyway – but it was still a bad sign). He put it in a small case and stored it in a safe place until he could find a way to make sure something like that didn't happen to it again.

This was the place he would stay. He knew. He had seen the pictures. In his mind. His mind said. And he was like, "OK, mind." So he knew. This was it. Definitely.

He fell to his knees and leaned over the edge. "Blarg," he upchucked vocally.

One unmoving mass fell the long ways down into the lava and connected with an extremely satisfying "ploop – sizzle." Unfortunately for the shadowy thing, removing that one did not seem to alleviate his problem much – it seemed dead enough already; it was the second demon that was wreaking havoc on his insides.

--

Inky and Snargles woke at the same time, but for different reasons.

Inky woke in time to watch his body plummet down into a fiery doom not far below. When his body was no more, he floated away slowly and disappeared out the top of the mountain. True evil minions don't get drawn-out death scenes.

Snargles woke to a violent shaking of the earthquake type. With no visible floor, walls, or ceiling, it was hard to tell what was going on, but suffice to say even Ultimate Snargles was off-balance. The only way to correct this was to dig the claws in as deep as possible and yowl like a madman - or madkitty.

Even without the narrative spacer to let Shadowy Black Thing know he was back in the spotlight, he reacted immediately. His stomach was suddenly pierced with hundreds of pins and needles. He collapsed slowly, peering over the edge and into the death below. Soon his mission was complete; there really was no point in fighting to survive now. The tiny pink doombringer would, instead of bringing doom, be brought to justice.

As Snargles clung, paralyzed, to the unstable nothingness, the yowls began to take a different tone. Something deep inside Snargles knew what was about to happen. With the kitty still captive, the Shadow of the Hero crumbled off the edge and sunk into the flaming cemetery below.

--

Ganondorf had important things to do. This rock was not moving, and it needed to be moved. No amount of pushing, pulling, lifting, grunting, or molesting had provoked it enough to even budge yet. He needed to get creative.

Ten minutes later, he had collected all items he could from the area and piled them next to the rock. There had to be something in here that he could use. Through trial and error, he learned many things about stuff you can find in the middle of nowhere: shovels make a "tink!" sound when you try to dig where a big rock lies; bombs will only destroy cracked objects, no matter how small the uncracked rock is; arrows make similar "tink!" sounds, despite not _looking_ much like shovels; and none of the items you find will ever, ever be power gloves and/or cranes with boulder-lifting capabilities.

"I wonder what woe personified would say to me at this very moment?" Ganondorf wondered aloud, having thrown everything but the shovel back out of sight (never know when one might need a shovel). "For certainly Woe would know how to move this miserable rock."

The rock sighed. It had been many years since someone had truly understood him. Seventeen forlorn years it had been, and many more if you didn't count a few dejected thieves and bandits. He had once seen a presentation of Donnie Darko, but at that point he felt as though he didn't understand rather than he was not understood. Surely this green man had no capacity for understanding, either.

Ganondorf was unsure as to whether or not this rock had just sighed, but he was no less intent on moving it. What he needed was a Plan. He needed something Big and Powerful. What he needed, he knew, was The Harley.

This Need set off a chain of events that vaguely resembled a trading game, but were in actuality nothing of the sort:

_Find The Harley's smoldering wreckage_

_Find a repair kit_

_Find a **Glowing Green Feather** to trade _barter _with for the repair kit_

_Find a bird with a **Glowing Green Ass** from which to pluck the feather_

_Find the bird's **Egg** to trade _exchange _for the feather_

_Find the **Hungry Man** who stole the bird's **Egg** to eat_

_Find a **Large Sandwich** to trade _swap _for the **Egg**_

_Find **Construction Worker** who will trade _change _his **Sandwich** for some time off_

_Offer to bulldoze the building in exchange for the **Sandwich**_

_Bulldoze the building_

_Give the **Large Sandwich **to the **Hungry Man**_

_Give the **Egg **to the bird with a **Glowing Green Ass Feather**_

_Realize "Fuck, there was a bulldozer back in step 10, what the hell am I doing?"_

_Go back, punch out the **Construction Worker**, take his bulldozer, and leave_

This took a lot more time than Ganondorf had anticipated, and he decided instead of ever doing shit like that again, he would just start setting things on fire and killing innocents until somebody gave him what he wanted.

As he approached the rock with his large, newfound tool, his heart began to race. Whatever was under this rock was fated to feel his wrath, and there was no escape now. He began to push the rock.

--

Night had fallen many hours ago, and morning approached. Something rumbled. The Sheikah had been expecting this – Ganondorf had been making noises all day – but that did not make the situation any less risky. Those who went up again the Black King generally ended up dead in some unexpected manner or another. Sheik was in charge of, among other things, making sure he did not die. This would prove disadvantageous to the body he was inhabiting, and thus disadvantageous to Hyrule itself. The rumbling came from far below the treetops upon which he perched, and ended abruptly as Ganondorf shut down the bulldozer.

"ROCK IS GONE! I GOT IT! ACCOMPLISHMENT!" Ganondorf shouted out to all in the area who might come over to congratulate him. Nobody heard except the Sheikah.

Ganondorf moved up to the hole that had been dug below the rock's previous position and peered down. What he saw was not the ninja he expected, but instead what the ninja had left there for him to see: a mirror.

Ganondorf saw himself for the first time in a few years. He had aged quite well! His hair parted down the side nicely, his eyes glimmered, and his teeth were shiny – but not too shiny, because without a tint of plaque a villain seems far less intimidating. Yes indeed, he surely liked what he saw. He began to fill the hole with dirt to cover up the mirror, so as to forever preserve his reflection in it.

Shiek began to move. He leapt through the treetops, making haste towards the castle. There was someone important he needed to meet at the Temple of Time.

When Ganondorf was finished, he stood up straight. The world looked greyer. The trees looked taller. The dirt below him lost its detail. A fog crept over the land. His watched beeped.

"Countdown to Imminent Doom," it read, "24 hours."


End file.
